What men need to know about sex to give her what she wants (Part 2)
Learn how women work sexually and how to give your partner a great time in bed. In Part 1 we looked at what you need to know about her body, now we look at what's happening in her head, plus what you need to know about giving her handjobs and oral sex...
It won't surprise you when I say that a woman's mindset is different to a man's when it comes to sex.
A lot of it is to do with the fact that her sexual systems work differently, and there are hormonal factors too, including her monthly cycle.
Society also conspires to put women under huge pressure about appearance and sexuality, affecting body confidence and creating inhibitions, so her sex drive is affected.
The good news is that you can play a huge part in boosting her confidence, relaxing her, working with her on her libido and satisfying her.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT... HER LIBIDO
There's a misconception about male and female sex drives.
The stereotype is that men are supposed to get an erection just through something as simple as watching a woman eat a banana, whereas women are supposed to feign a headache the minute they see a bulge in their guy's jeans. Both are wrong.
The main real difference is that men's sex drives tend to be more consistent and more spontaneous. You'll feel aroused, then you'll want to instigate sex because of that arousal. Our sex drive, however, is more stimulative. This means we might not feel like sex at all, but once we start having it, desire kicks in.
This is where foreplay comes in – even before you get to the bedroom. Things like verbal affection, kissing, stroking, cuddling and massage will turn on her engine and start to rev it up.
When it comes to her monthly cycle, you may have already noticed that at some points she's up for shagging you senseless, and at others she's generally pretty turned off. Fluctuations vary loads from woman to woman – for example, some women feel extremely horny during their period, whereas others (who might be suffering from period pain, bloating and other negative effects) don't want you near them. You need to become familiar with your partner's cycle and how it affects her, by talking to her about it and being sensitive. All those foreplay suggestions can work for most stages of her cycle – even if she's not jumping on you, she might perk up after some skilfull and tactfully timed foreplay.
If your partner is on the pill, by the way, or using other hormone-based forms of contraception, hormonal fluctuations aren't as noticeable, although the contraception itself might impact on her libido in either a good or bad way. Encourage her to see her GP if you think her contraception could be really suppressing her sex drive.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT... HANDJOBS
Let's start with some obvious basics like you've washed your hands, made sure your nails are trimmed and gathered up some essentials like her vibrator (just in case) and a tube of lube.
And before we go into details, a word on wetness and lube.
Just as you can be so turned on you're pawing the ground but still don't have an erection, the same is true for her and her natural lubrication. It's affected by so many things – time of the month, how nervous she is, how much she's drunk – so don't assume she's not aroused even if she's not all slippery.
Having lube handy takes the pressure off (saliva works but doesn't have much staying power). Add a good dollop and she doesn't have to worry – plus it feels lovely.
Now, bear in mind all that you've learnt so far – that's it's not about penetration but about the clitoris – and you won't commit the classic bloke error of thinking a hand job is about instantly shoving your fingers in her vagina hard and deep just like a penis. Your aim is to stroke, tease and generally stimulate her labia, vaginal entrance and clitoris in a pleasurable way: find lots of advice here.
And don't make the error of not asking for feedback or directions. It's a really good idea to do this, so wait until you're a few minutes in, then ask, 'Should I go harder or softer?' Wait for her answer, then ask, 'A bit slower or faster?' Asking specific questions like this rather than just, 'Is this good?' will give you much more useful feedback.
As a general rule, if she pulls away from your hand you're being too rough, and if she pushes against it she likes what you're doing but might want you to be a bit firmer (ask).
The general consensus of what feels good for most women is to keep it gentle, soft, wet and consistent.
Start by stroking her outer lips and letting them open naturally, then slowly slide a (wet or pre-lubed) finger between the lips of the inner labia.
Don't hone in on the clitoris specifically until she's fully aroused then try circling it with a fingertip before continuing with the sliding motion between the inner lips. Dip inside her vagina occasionally to keep things wet – also because a little penetration at this stage does feel good.
Remember, the head is just the tip of the clitoris, so stimulate the rest of it that's hidden below the surface using pressure and firm massage. As with oral sex, never change what you're doing once she's close to climaxing, though you might like to up the speed and pressure a little.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT... ORAL SEX
Whenever women are forced to choose between oral sex and intercourse in surveys, they invariably choose the tongue over the penis.
Listen, I'm not saying women don't absolutely love it. Sometimes, there's nothing better than a good old-fashioned pounding. It's just not the cornerstone of what we consider great sex.
What you need to know about oral sex is that it's how most women have orgasms with their partner. This means you need to be really, really good at it.
Which is why I'm sending you to another blog post for a masterclass.
Get this bit right and you'll be giving her what she wants – a win for both you and her.