What women need to know to give men what they want (Part 1)
Ready, willing and able, right? You might be surprised. Far from being swaggering sexual studs, a lot of men want and need erotic clarity.
Men - and most particularly their penises - are vulnerable. Which means they can feel just as nervous and anxious about performing in bed as women do. Fear is not a great lust motivator. Which is why you need to understand his sexual insecurities to truly understand him.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW... ABOUT HIS FEARS
If you have something men find intimidating - big, bouncy breasts, a face identical to an ex-girlfriend he can't quite get over, a job that earns twice what his pays, legs that seem far too beautiful to wrap around his paunchy tummy - you may experience the opposite problem to what is common perception. Rather than fighting off his advances, you may have to be the one to make them.
I'm not talking a one-night-stand - hell, he'll be ripping that dress off the second you're in the front door.
But I honestly do think sex that means something to him - that might lead to a relationship - can be more daunting for him than it is you. Why?
Well, his first worry is if his penis is big enough. It's out there, remember, not coyly hidden like our parts. Then there's the worry of said penis maybe not working when he most, desperately, needs it to. Again, we can fake excitement, he can't.
Or maybe it will work but too well and it's over too quickly. He might be able to fake an orgasm but you can't fake an erection after you've just had one. And all that's before he's had time to worry about what's going on with you and your bits.
Say he can't find your clitoris and rubs the wrong bit and you think he’s just an idiot. Because it’s not like he can ask for directions now is it? He’s a bloke! Poor bastard. This is why the next point is also critical.
ABOUT GIVING HIM INSTRUCTIONS
He won't want to admit it but he's depending on you to take charge a little. He wants directions and wants to give you pleasure but he doesn't want to ask for fear of looking stupid. Every decent man you sleep with wants to be the best you've ever had for both selfish (ego) and sweet (he really does want you to be sexually satisfied) reasons.
This isn't just a male thing, we're just as guilty as men are for thinking we're somehow born great lovers.
But society also casts men in the 'boss' role.
Again, intellectually, we both know that got thrown out along with him being the sole breadwinner, but it's still hovering in the background, waiting to step forward when he feels under pressure.
Now, while I'm all for giving specific instruction in bed, sometimes it's a good idea to disguise it at the start when egos are at their most fragile.
An easy way to do this is to deliver instruction while complimenting. "God, that feels fantastic", before you put your hand over his to show him how you really like it done, then "And that feels amazing" when he gets it right. The serious power point slide presentation complete with laser pointer can come later. (That's a joke, by the way. Just in case.)
ABOUT MAKING SEX DIRTIER
It's ironic. We spend our lives desperately trying not to be the too sexy girl he can't take home to meet Mum, forgetting the blatantly sexy girl is the one he can't wait to show off to the lads at the local.
While I wouldn't suggest you turn up to your next date looking like you've just walked away from a street corner, I would suggest this formula works well. Behave like a 'wife' in public (if marriage is indeed what you want) but do both of you a favour and act like the mistress when you're not. He can return the favour!
We still tend to think of men as ready for sex whenever we feel like it. Truth is, their libido is affected by all the things ours are. So contrary to popular opinion that has the wife in rollers turning to face the wall, it's just as often the man who decides to stop having sex in long-term relationships.
He doesn't talk about it because he's embarrassed to feel the opposite to what society says he should.
You don't talk about it because you think it makes you look bad (you're rubbish in bed, married to a closet gay guy, just not sexy anymore etc). Most women will confess an affair to a close friend within two weeks of it starting but very few will offer up a sex drought as a topic of discussion.
There are many reasons why men go off sex. The first is stress: too much work and not enough play makes his penis feel very odd indeed. Excessive drinking - how most men try to deal with stress - affects the production of testosterone, the primary hormone responsible for our sex drive. Not surprisingly, the kick-on effect of all this is often depression.
So he pops off to the doctor, who hands out anti-depressants and maybe some high blood pressure pills, effectively wiping out any cravings that might have still been hopefully hanging around.
A common side-effect of anti-depressants and anti-hypertensive drugs is - you guessed it, a low libido. The solution - as always - is to talk about it with him, without casting blame, in a calm, gentle manner.
Part 2 of What women need to know to give men what they want will be published on 10th May.