• What To Do If She's Not Up For It (Part 1)

    what to do if she's not up for it

    You vowed to forsake all others - now she’s forsaken you. What do you do if you’ve been erotically exiled? Figure out what’s going on in her head, then fix it in bed, that’s what!

    This is the first part of a two-part blog aimed at sorting the problem. Part 1 deals with getting her (and your) head in the right place, Part 2 deals with more practical issues.


    One reason why lots of men find it hard to commit, is they can’t imagine being satisfied by having sex with the same woman for the rest of their life.

    But ‘settling down’ does have perceived benefits: Finally, sex on tap!, you think. Someone who’ll be there whenever I feel horny and who’ll satisfy all my sexual needs! Maybe the whole commitment thing isn’t so bad?

    So you take the plunge: move in, get married, promise to be faithful. And then the unthinkable happens: the person who is supposed to be a ‘sure thing’, won’t have sex with you anymore.

    You’re not supposed to go elsewhere for it but you’re not getting any at home, so your supply of sex has effectively been cut off completely.

    This is the stark and unwelcome reality for lots of men in long-term relationships.

    The trick to solving it is, firstly, understanding some key points about female sexuality.

    Accept she's not deliberately refusing to have sex with you.

    Some women do withhold sex as punishment but most feel horribly guilty for not wanting it which dampens desire even further. Your partner's probably also well aware you resent her for not putting out.

    Do more around the house.

    She tired from juggling too many balls - a prime reason why she's not interested in going anywhere near yours. Yes, I know women are better at multi-tasking but if she spends all day at work and all night running around after kids, cooking, cleaning and making duty phone calls to your Mum, it's highly unlikely she'll disappear in the .0001 millisecond she has to herself before bed to emerge in a nurse's outfit, ready to role-play.

    Put energy into the relationship.

    It's a generalisation but not a myth: she needs to feel satisfied emotionally before she's motivated to satisfy you sexually. The reverse tends to be true for men: you need to feel like your sexual needs have been taken care of, before you'll make the effort to be all lovey-dovey.

    As you can imagine, this has the potential to quickly turn into a rather nasty chain reaction if one feels the other isn't delivering. But it's a simple equation: the more effort you put into showing her you love her, the more sex you'll have.

    She needs filthy sex more than you do.

    Women have less incentive to have sex than men do. It takes longer for us to get aroused and orgasm isn't guaranteed, so there's less motivation to make the effort if we're not gagging for it. (Could you be bothered if you didn't think there would be a happy ending?)

    So she wants to mix things up to make sex more appealing just as much as you do! It's just that when it comes to naughty sex, women are very good at saying 'Oh no, I couldn't possibly do that!' when they're secretly thinking, 'God, that's so hot! Please let him make me'.

    It's all about worrying you'll judge us if we admit to wanting filthy stuff. Christ, we won't even admit it to ourselves half the time!

    The trick is making her feel safe enough to explore.

    Part 2 of 'What to do if she's not up for it' next week. Then it's his turn!

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