Part 1: I'd Love to Have Sex With You But...
No time, bored or simply can’t be bothered? These are just some of the excuses we drag out to explain why sex is put on the backburner. But there is a way to get past those sexual sticking points. This is the first in a series of three blogs to help you get things moving again.
THERE’S NO TIME FOR SEX
75% of couples say lack of time is the biggest frustration in their sex life. Is this true? Or are we using it as a cop-out?
US therapist Mira Kirshenbaum actually took the time to calculate how much time we really do have left over in a week, taking into account work, chores, kids, time spent on our appearance, TV, social obligations, cooking and eating and sleeping.
Her conclusion: out of the 168 hours allotted to us, there’s between half and one hour per day left to devote to your partner.
So we’re not telling fibs: we really are busy... Or are we?
Her estimate included 20 hours of telly/Netflix time per week.
Cut back on those box sets (yes you can) and it’s looking much healthier.
So there is time for sex - but given time for each other is limited, I’d heartily recommend you don’t shag all of it away.
Sex and love are interdependent and you need to satisfy both sides to make either work properly. While sex should definitely get a look in, you also need to do whatever makes you feel close to your partner in that free time.
And don’t expect to agree on what that is or be able to second-guess what it is for each other.
We all have a nasty habit of clinging onto something that worked in the past, thinking it’s going to work now. “He adores it when I cook him a nice dinner,” might have been true when you were kid-less. Now, he’d probably prefer a takeaway and more of your attention. Decide what does it for each of you and be fair with the time-sharing.
As for sex, get into the habit of having quick sex sessions and deliberately turn yourselves on beforehand by re-running previous hot sessions in your heads. Sext during the day, read an erotic book in the loo or look at porn on your phone and fantasise. Do whatever it takes to get yourself in the mood to ensure you’re ready to pounce in the short time you do have free.
I DON’T ORGASM SO WHY BOTHER?
I’m going to take a stab in the dark here and assume you’re female, right?
(That’s not to say this doesn’t happen to men but it happens much less frequently. And if that’s not an understatement, I don’t know what is!)
It’s a common complaint. But it’s still no reason to avoid sex - and it’s more easily fixed than you think.
The main reason why most women don’t orgasm with their partners is because they don’t speak up about what they need to make it happen.
If you need 20 minutes of uninterrupted oral sex, ask for it. If fingers on your clitoris during penetration don’t work, pull out your vibrator and try that way instead. Ditch traditional thrusting for the more clitoris-friendly grinding or even rocking side-to-side.
How do you have orgasms solo? That’s your clue for having them with your partner. It’s not your partner’s responsibility to give you orgasms, it’s your responsibility to do whatever it takes to get you there and tell them what you need.
The more passive you are in bed, the less likely it is to happen. Turn things around: be the one who’s deciding who does what where and when.
If you’re having trouble getting aroused in the first place, tap into what US sex therapist, Jack Morin calls our ‘erotic memorability’. Think back to the sex experiences you’ve enjoyed the most. What made them stand out? Was it a ‘first’ or something that surprised you? Identify the key elements and work to recreate them. (Within reason - doing your hot ex one more time isn’t what I had in mind.)
This is the first in a three-part series. Next week, what happens when you don’t get the chance to initiate and when sex is like groundhog day.