Part 3: I'd Love to Have Sex With You But...
No time, no energy, no real desire to do it. These are just some of the excuses we drag out to explain why sex is put on the backburner. But there is a way to get past those sexual sticking points. This is the last in a series of three blogs to help you get things moving again. Here's Part 1 and Part 2 in case you missed them.
I SIMPLY CAN'T BE BOTHERED
If you're in a monogamous relationship, it's reasonable for your partner to desire sex from you on a reasonably regular basis.
There's always been a good argument for having sex even if you don't feel like it.
Sex does one hell of a lot more than simply provide physical release and pleasure.
It keeps us connected to our partner, reduces depression, calms us, boosts our immune systems and even helps us stay young. (It lowers cortisol levels in the blood, which reduce stress and slow the ageing process).
Every time you have decent sex with your partner, your brain sets you up for more good times because it associates them with fun, intimacy - and orgasms. The less sex you have, the less you miss it.
To get yourself out of the rut, consider planning sex sessions.
It doesn't work for all couples, but it works for more than you think.
The reason why it works in this scenario is that it gives the sex-starved person (that'd be your partner) something to look forward to and the lower sex drive person (that's you) time to get themselves aroused.
Advance warning increases anticipation plus you can plan what you'll both do to make it interesting.
Think of it like going to the gym. You have to push yourself the first couple of times but then you start to see results and start to actually enjoy it.
I'VE TOLD MY PARTNER WHAT I LIKE BUT THEY DON'T LISTEN
When I was younger, I used to HATE my breasts being touched. (Why my nipples suddenly did an about face around 30 is beyond me, but hey, it happened!).
When my partner's hands headed that way, I'll tell him 'I don't actually like that. Don't know why, but I just don't'.
I told him at the start, many times. I told him six months in, many times. I told him a year in and after four years, I left. Not purely for that but it was an indicator of why the relationship failed: he was too self-absorbed to pay attention to anyone's needs but his own.
Given lots of people don't feel comfortable directing their partner in bed, it's deeply hurtful if you've plucked up the courage to tell your partner you want either more or less of something, only to be ignored.
If your partner isn't taking your requests on board, it's insulting.
Before you go storming into the lounge room to shout at them though, let's first make sure you've been as clear as you think you have been.
Merely pushing their hand away on the odd occasion could easily go unnoticed. So could pulling them closer when they're doing something right.
Subtle signalling works on some but not all.
So if you actually haven't voiced what you want or don't, do it next time.
Say "That feels amazing. Can you do it more often and for longer?' or "Instead of doing X can you do Y? I love it when you do Y!" If that doesn't work, it's time for a chat outside the bedroom. Start with a positive by saying how much you enjoy sex with them, then say you've noticed they don't seem to be getting the hint that you'd like them to do whatever it is. Is there a specific reason why they don't do it or did they just miss your cues?
There might well be a reason why they're ignoring you.
You want her to give you more oral sex? Could be she did get the message but hates you ejaculating in her mouth.
Look at what it is exactly that you're asking them to do. Is it a little out there?
Like, it's probably not fair to be pissed off if your husband has refused your request for a foursome with the two hunky builders renovating the kitchen.
Not all requests are acceptable to your partner but, if you're tactful but direct, most usually are.