Part 1 of The Anal Sex Series
FIVE MUST-DO STEPS TO PREPARE FOR ANAL SEX
It seems my blogs about bottoms are highly popular (you saucy little things). So this is part one of a four-part series designed to guide you safely through an enjoyable anal exploration and answer all the questions you’ve ever had about anal sex.
This blog talks about how to prepare for anal sex - BEFORE you even think about actually doing anything. Because, unlike other sorts of sex, there really is a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to do it and it’s not something you barge into (ahem).
Both get tested for STIs and HIV
There’s a higher chance of catching an STI or HIV with anal sex than during other sexual activities (oral, vaginal, fingers etc) because the rectum is delicate and tears easily. Tiny tears allow STIs to easily enter the bloodstream. The way to avoid putting either of you at risk is to be screened for all STIs and HIV.
It’s the unexpected surprises that are the most memorable. Surprise her with any (all) of the following quick-but-effective sex treats and wake up those sleepy libidos!
WAYS TO GET HER WET
Tell her your wickedest, dirtiest thoughts about her. Whisper them close to her ear as you work on her with your hands. Make sure there's no eye contact or pressure to talk dirty back so she can pretend not to like it (don't ask – it's a girl thing), despite the fact that she's suddenly sliding off her seat.
Shave her legs for her. Do this slowly and with meticulous care. She sits or lies on a towel, you sit beside her with a bowl of water, razor and shaving foam. Let your slippery hands glide up and down her thighs, briefly brush but don't linger in between her legs, push her thighs open under the guise of trying to reach a certain bit, leaving her exposed. Lots of looking and caressing but no touching of the naughty bits equals one very excited girl.
‘Pegging’ - women using a fake penis to penetrate their man - is becoming more and more common. And there are plenty of reasons why: it’s a power rush for both of you, and feels pretty good his end. And no, it doesn’t mean he’s secretly gay!
Is it dodgy if he wants me to ‘peg’ him?
As I said, wanting you to penetrate him doesn’t mean he’s gay, secretly longs to be a woman or wants you to be more dominant out of the bedroom. The appeal lies in the novelty factor (you’re inside him instead of vice versa), the fact that it’s ‘forbidden’ and that the prostate gland lies inside the rectum and gives explosive orgasms when that area is simulated.
So lots of reasons, none remotely dodgy, why he’d want to give it a go.
Plus it’s sexy for you as well: the experience of being ‘the boy’ is incredibly erotic, it’s a power rush and you feel naughty and edgy doing it.
My last blog talked about how to get the attitude right, now it’s time to put your mouth into gear. Here’s everything you need to know to talk your partner into a lusty state you never thought possible - cringe-free!
Sexy words to use:
Bite, eat, nibble, scratch, suck, lick, taste, grab, grind, thrust, deep, hard, swallow, ravish, shag, screw, tight, erect, stiff, cum, orgasm, tease, touch, fondle, push, pull, slap, pinch, juicy, hot, soft, throb, horny, wet, hungry, open, need, want, big, aching, greedy, nasty, tasty, gentle, gorgeous…
Good things to say and try:
I love touching you. Do you like it when I do it here/hard/soft/like this/like that? I love licking you. Which way do you like it best - like this or that? Demonstrate by using your tongue on the palm of her hand or sucking one of his fingers. Your bottom is so divine. Do you want me to spank it? Do you want me to put a finger inside you? Can I kiss you here?
It's the one time saying ‘F*** you!’ to your partner could score you a snog rather than a slap. Talking dirty is a fantastic way to shake up a sluggish sex life, but there are many reasons why talking dirty makes us decidedly bashful.
Why you’re nervous
You’re not sure if your partner will like it: You’re actually right to be worried about this one because it’s not gender specific and everyone has a different idea of what’s a turn on and what isn’t. I know lots of women who like really nasty dirty talk - and plenty of men who don’t like either saying it or being on the receiving end.
“It’s demeaning, listening to her talk like a common whore,” one guy told me while I was researching one of my books. Another quiet-as-a-mouse, shy friend lit up like a Christmas tree when she described the freedom of saying the wonderfully trashy stuff you hear in porn.
You can’t always predict how your partner will react and assuming he’ll love trashy talk just because he’s a bloke is a big mistake. So don’t just launch into it. Get them used to the idea by sending texts that start off mild (‘Keep thinking about Sunday morning... can I have a repeat’), then ramp up the raunchiness if that’s well received.
Yes, it’s your favourite thing to do. But it really isn’t just a case of putting your penis inside and jiggling it about! It’s hard enough for her to orgasm through penetration without you being guilty of any of the following…
His top six penetration sins:
A bad thrusting style. Hammering away like a jackhammer is still up there on the female ‘Pet Male Hates’ list. Swivel your hips and move in circles rather than just thrust in and out.
Rushing penetration. A few pathetic fumbles to check if she's wet does not make her ready for you to plunge on in. Unless you're both fired up for a quickie, keep that penis away until you've paid some lip service and at least inserted some fingers to check she's lubricated and ready for you.
We all make mistakes in bed (and if you aren’t making any, you aren’t taking any risks!). Most are forgivable - others not so much. Here’s my his and her’s rundown on those that you really do want to avoid.
HIS WORST MISTAKES
During oral sex:
- Using the tip of a stiff tongue rather the flat of it. First up, your tongue will be knackered out in about five minutes. Second, it feels too hard on her end (especially at the start). Third, if you flatten out your tongue as much as possible, it covers a bigger area and feels deliciously soft and squishy. Wiggle it around a little and she’s nearly there.
- Expecting an orgasm in five minutes. Unless she’s massively turned on, settle in for the long haul. Around 20 minutes is about right. Yes really.
Good technique is crucial for long-term sex satisfaction - and being in the right position helps enormously. Here’s my pick of the crucial do’s and don'ts for him and her.
MAKE HIS DAY
- You need access to his testicles, anus and perineum as well as to be able to grasp the base of the penis and slide the other hand up and over. In other words, you need room. Also, make sure you’re not at an angle where your hand’s going to end up in a weird position and get twisted or cramped.
- It’s all about height. Use stairs, pillows or pieces of furniture to align his bits with your mouth.
- You lie on your back, head on the pillows. He kneels over you, supporting his weight on the wall behind the bed with his hands.
It used to be that anal play was something only super-adventurous ‘out there’ couples did.
These days, almost half (40-45%) of couples in the US have tried anal sex and enjoy anal stimulation and those figures are reflected in the UK.
But anal play is a bit like tie-up games - what the hell do you do, once you’ve got the person at your mercy?
This is my guide to the basics to get you started.
Rimming or analingus. This involves licking, flicking or inserting a stiff tongue into the anal passage and thrusting like a pretend penis.
It feels great (for both sexes) because the area is highly sensitive and loaded with nerve endings. If you’re worried about germs, STIs (and you should be if your partner hasn't been tested) or you’re generally squeamish, put a barrier between it and you - try a piece of clingfilm or cut open a condom and lay it across the opening. Then lick and flick around and into the opening.
You’ll often see the words ‘tease’ and ‘sex’ in the same sentence because the former is such an effective way to keep long-term sex alive.
Teasing works on the ‘intermittent reinforcement’ principle: if you reward someone every time they expect it, it becomes less desirable. If you reward them every now and then, their excitement level stays heightened and the pleasure more intense. (If you don’t deliver any of the time, our pleasure centres simply give up!)
Sexually teasing your partner involves the promise of stimulation, along with the threat of it not happening. If you’re very, very good at teasing, the prime aim is to make the person beg for your touch.
It takes skill and practice (and a certain type of personality!) to get it right but the good news is, with the help of these clever sex toys, anyone can learn the art of titillation!