Approach it as a couple problem that’s no-one’s fault: the person who wants sex more isn’t ‘sexier’ or ‘better’. Don't place blame, and instead work together as a team.
Confront the problem
Talk about what’s going on. You can’t shut people up talking about sex at the sexy start of a relationship, but just when you really need to talk - when things aren’t going great - you’re both quieter than a boyfriend fresh from a stag weekend. Ignoring it and not having sex becomes the elephant in the room.
Size is everything. If he loses his erection when he pulls on the condom, it could be because it’s too tight or too big.
If the condom is too tight, it will deaden sensation (try a large condom).
If it’s too big, it slides around meaning no friction for him and no real protection (try a smaller condom).
Who cares? (She probably doesn’t!) Five reasons why big isn’t best.
- Most nerve endings are in the first inch or so of the vagina and it balloons on arousal, so width counts more than length.
- Most women have their orgasms via your fingers or tongue, rather than through penetration.
- Your penis is attached to a man and if we love the man, the size of your penis tends to be irrelevant.
- It’s men who perpetrate the ‘women love big willys' myth. In reality, few women want a man with a huge penis. It's uncomfortable in many positions.
- Men with small penises tend to be better at other things - like oral sex or manual masturbation - because they tend not to fall into the 'the penis is everything' trap as easily.
Millions of women are tearing through the Fifty Shades triology, a series of books that has a handsome, well-hung and (of course) stupendously brilliant-in-bed billionaire Christian Grey as its hero. But how do men feel about it?
The Times ran a fabulous article recently about men’s reactions (“Twice in Half an Hour? My worst fears are on these pages”) but panic not! Here are some tips on how to make all the hype (and horniness) work for you.
My partner is not very well endowed, and sometimes I wish I could feel him more during sex. Do you have any tips on how to improve the way things feel?
This is really embarrassing but here goes. If I have sexual intercourse after I have had an orgasm I experience wind but it comes from the front and I am mortified by it, it is preventing me wanting to orgasm and means I'm not relaxing and enjoying sex as much as I should. Is there a reason this is happening and can I stop it?
It's quite common for a man to lose his erection, but what can you do to help? And what should you avoid doing to make it worse? These are my best tips for reawakening his desire...
- Get a grip! Women are timid around penises that aren’t very hard. We’ll grab onto it greedily when he’s stiff but switch to a nervous, tentative touch the second there’s any sign of softness. Do the opposite. If he’s only semi-erect, a firm grip and firm massaging will get him hard again.
- Have your head in the right place! Losing an erection happens! It’s life, so isn’t a big deal. The better your attitude, the better his will be.
How do you know if she does or doesn’t enjoy your fingers on her, when women are notorious people-pleasers? Watch her body language...
- As a general rule, if she pulls away from your hand, you’re being too rough. If she pushes against it, you could be being too gentle. (Men nearly always make the first mistake because we do to others what we like ourselves and men tend to like a firmer touch.)
- It’s all individual but most women like you to keep it gentle, soft, wet …and consistent. Don’t keep changing techniques. If she seems to like what you’re doing, keep on doing it.
My partner of three years has slowly but surely gone off sex. At the start, we were both quite daring. We’d have sex in other rooms of the flat and he loved it when I used to pleasure him. But now he doesn’t seem that interested in sex and all the things that used to work (certain underwear, lots of kissing) don’t have an effect any more.
We’re both still young (early 30s) and I’ve never heard of men going off sex, especially not at our age. Do you think he doesn’t love me anymore or something is physically wrong with him? Now when I try to get him in the mood, he makes excuses of having to work and disappears into his office.
I'm a 31yr old guy, not very sexually confident, and coming out a sexless marriage (nothing for four years and I’ve only been married two and a half). I can honestly say I've probably only actually had sex maybe 100 times in my lifetime. I know I'm not very confident, and that then impacts on my mental performance. I've never been able to relax and just enjoy sex. I think I spent too much time reading women's magazines before I ever had sex, so I've been conditioned about putting the woman first, to the extend that I can't enjoy it myself. I always feel a bit guilty and that I'm 'using' the girl if I try and concentrate on my pleasure, and then I worry about my own penis size. This has then started to affect my getting and sustaining erections.
How can I learn to relax and just enjoy sex, and become more confident? I'm about to embark on a relationship with a woman who is confident and experimental, and I want to be able to learn to satisfy us both.
I'd love to shed my inhibitions and be more dominant too. I'm curious as to what I've hidden below the surface for so long. I feel I've spent so long worrying about the mechanics that I've forgotten that sex can, and should be, fun. I'd appreciate any insights you can give...