Anal play, once taboo, is now standard sex play for lots of couples. Want to give it a go? Here are some ideas of where to start and what to do.
Go by the rules. This is important for any type of anal play. Start slow (as in the time between trying a finger and trying a penis is weeks, rather than the same session). Be gentle. Stop if it feels too painful. Always use anal lube because it's heavy duty, lasts longer and is more slippery.
Choose your time. There are right and wrong times to initiate anal play. And it’s not immediately after your partner’s just polished off a three-course gassy dinner, especially one containing Brussels sprouts! Many a lover's hand has been brushed aside while tentatively exploring, never to return again, not because their partner's weren't interested but because they were worried… well, you work it out.
For a long time, the G-spot (Grafenburg spot) was shrouded in myth and mystery. We wanted to believe in it even though we weren’t sure if it existed. Researchers remain conflicted over whether it’s a decadently optimistic fantasy whilst others say there does appear to be a small, sexually responsive path on the vaginal wall which can trigger orgasm when stimulated.
My theory is while there might not be a ‘spot’, there are definitely areas on the front vaginal wall that are sensitive when stimulated. (And if you’re wondering why I call some of my vibrators ‘G-spot’ vibes, it’s simply because saying ‘front vaginal wall and prostate stimulator’ is a bit of a mouthful!) Here’s how you can find and stimulate hers.
The position. It’s on the front vaginal wall, the side closest to her tummy, around 5cm (2 inches) inside the vagina. The area protrudes slightly but only when the glands surrounding the urethral tube have become swollen - which happens when she’s aroused.
Forget the stomach: the way to a man’s heart is through his penis! But it’s fussier than you think. Here’s seven of its most favourite things to keep him purring with pleasure…
Take your time. Just as you hate him diving straight for your clitoris, he hates you pouncing immediately on the penis. Men like foreplay too! Kiss and stroke everywhere, glide up the inside of his thighs, pay attention to his testicles and the area of the tummy just above where his erect penis sits.
Use a firm grip. True, some women use a grip like a vice but the majority go too soft. Get the pressure just perfect by asking him what feels best.
Ask if he’s enjoying it. Using the same technique on every guy and expecting them all to like it, is plain silly. You ask people how they like their coffee, don’t you? Ask him to either show you the technique he likes best or put his hand over yours to provide direction.
It’s the one organ on the body that’s designed purely for pleasure. Here’s how to make sure that’s all she feels while you’re lavishing attention on her precious part.
Lubrication. Clitorises like to be wet and slippery: the best technique in the world feels like hell rather than heaven if the area is dry. You can use saliva or a dab of good quality personal lubricant around the area until she becomes aroused and her natural lubrication kicks in. Remember, her feeling dry doesn’t mean she isn’t enjoying what you’re doing. Periods, stress, dehydration - all affect our natural lubrication.
Gentle fingers. The number one complaint for women, regardless of age, is that men are too rough when they touch them. Read her body language for signs: if she presses against you, she wants more pressure. If she pulls away, she wants you to be more gentle.
Slow, consistent strokes. Whether you’re using your hands or tongue, you must - and I repeat must - keep going in a consistent, steady rhythm. The clitoris likes repetition. You might think you’re impressing her by switching between techniques, you’re not. Most of the time it simply means we slide down the bottom of the climax ladder and have to start climbing all over again.
Last week’s blog post gave general tips on how to act out those saucy head-sex scenarios - and included a ready-made fantasy scene for her.
This week it’s his turn with a classic favourite:
‘Forcibly’ seducing an innocent
It’s forbidden sex for both of you and an easy role-play to start with. Don’t panic, there’s absolutely no violence or pain involved. This is a very mild version of the common ‘pretend rape’ fantasy with a virgin element thrown in. Add more ‘struggling’ and ‘force’ to suit your taste!
- She’s naked, you’re clothed (it doesn’t usually matter what in but dressing formally can add to the older man, younger woman element).
- She pretends to be discovering her sexuality privately by standing in front of a mirror, running her hands over her body. You come up silently behind her and cover her eyes with your hand. The feel of her naked skin against your rough clothes feels exciting because it’s a new sensation.
We all have fantasies - but a lot of us don’t clue of how to take them from our heads to our beds. I guarantee thousands of couples came back from watching Fifty Shades of Grey, dying to do something - anything! - naughty to each other. But when, where, how and what? It’s alright for Christian, he has the Red Room filled with all sorts of contraptions! The average couple don’t have a dungeon. But you do have your imaginations and a practical guide of what to do next! Read on for the first of a two part blog…
First up, acting out fantasies doesn’t have to be literal: symbolism is often all that’s needed. Got an anal sex fantasy but don’t want to actually do it? Pretend you are while having vaginal sex doggie style. Use stockings and ties for tying-up games until you’re sure you’re both into it (then when you are, check out this blog post and this bondage kit
You read last week’s ‘Bondage for beginners’ blog post, gave it a bash and are now keen enthusiasts? Here’s a guide to some suitable props to make it even more exciting! Remember to take turns with who gets to be the dominant and passive person, especially appealing now you’re in charge of all these deliciously naughty toys…
This is my list of the toys that work best with B & D:
- A blindfold takes away eye contact and any potential embarrassment; by removing one sense, you heighten others.
- Leather wrist cuffs do all the hard work for you. They usually attach with Velcro, then attach the clips to each other (to bind both wrists or ankles) or something else (like a rope or convenient part of the bed).
- Riding crops, whips, spanking paddles go with tie-up games like bacon and eggs. A light spanking while they’re at your mercy is just the thing! Try one that makes menacing noises but stings rather than hurts. (You can progress to more threatening devices later!)
Whether you loved or hated Fifty Shades of Grey, I’m betting you both came home from the movies with a dangerous glint in your eye! Lots of couples world-wide have been tempted to try out some of the scenes - and with tie-up games first on the list, it makes it the perfect time to talk you through the basics of bondage!
What is it?
Put simply, bondage is about two things: restricting someone’s movement and having or relinquishing power. Add a ‘pain’ element like spanking, and it turns into B&D.
Why would you want to do it?
Being tied up means you can lie back and relax and enjoy someone giving you pleasure, without feeling like you have to reciprocate. If you’re the one in control, you’re ‘forced’ to be dominant and bossy and basically act out all the things you’ve secretly longed to do (like the master/save, teacher/pupil fantasy). Because it’s all about one person having power and the other having their wicked way, it lends itself beautifully to role play.
There are as many affair myths floating about as there are myths about female orgasm (like the one that says we all orgasm during intercourse and at the same time he does!). A lot are equally as ridiculous, so let’s sort the truth from the lies.
The ‘I was drunk and it just happened’ excuse:
Bollocks! I’ve got lots of friends in long-term relationships and we’re all rather fond of a glass of wine (bottomless, that is). I’ve seen many of them sloshed, solo and surrounded by a plethora of available, tempting people but - miraculously - having a one-night-stand doesn’t ‘just happen’ to them. Or me. Funny that.
Alcohol does indeed loosen inhibitions and cause us to make a poor judgement call. But since most of us have figured out, by age 15, that’s what alcohol does, most decide it’s logical to stop drinking, once they feel themselves cross the line between merry and legless. Particularly if the hot little piece in the corner is inching closer on the bar stool. Come on! At some point, they went to the loo, looked in the mirror and thought ‘This is getting dangerous’. But instead of heading home, headed straight for the bar and got another drink. Hmmm.
It’s (almost) as frustrating for you as it is her: you can see she’s on the brink of having an orgasm but can’t seem to tip over the edge. Give her the incentive she needs to get there, by choosing one of the following tried-and-trusted techniques:
Add a Finger
Adding a finger - yours or theirs - to stimulate the clitoris during intercourse is sometimes nicknamed the ‘bridge’ technique because it effectively provides a ‘bridge’ between his orgasm and hers. Use lots of lubricant and choose positions which allow one (or both of you) to use your fingers without getting cramps. Try woman on top (lean forward and lift up a little for easier access for him; or lean back and do-it-yourself); rear entry allows even easier access, as do face-to-face positions while sitting or kneeling.