I’ve written a lot of sex books over the years and given a lot of advice. Most of it, I’m proud to say, I still stand by 15 years on. But there’s been a heap of research into arousal and orgasm since I started out as a fledging ‘sexpert’, and we understand more about our sexual systems and responses now, than we ever have.
This means original theories need to be reconsidered - and maybe completely rethought. There has never really been a ‘this works for everyone’ solution to any sexual problem because we’re all individual in our tastes and desires. But there are some pieces of advice doled out over and over again. The question is: what’s stood the test of time and what’s actually a load of rubbish?
A guided tour of his hottest sex spots and clues on whether to lick, touch, kiss or caress once you've found them. Let's start at the top and work our way downward...
Most people adore having their hair brushed or played with (and if he doesn’t, it’s usually a sign he’s not in touch with himself - or you. Often it means he’s uncomfortable with intimacy.)
A head massage isn’t something he’s likely to ask for (it’s a bit girly), but most won’t knock one back if on offer and once experienced, he’ll be begging for more.
It’s easy to do: simply make like a hairdresser who’s massaging in the conditioner.
Spread your fingers and nestle them in his hair, then use the pads to massage in a firm, circular motion. You should feel the entire scalp move in response.
There's one major difference between male and female genitalia: men can see their bits while women can't.
All men have to do is look down, play around a little and all is revealed.
Women's bits aren't in view (assuming there are no giraffes reading this) and it's for this reason we know less about our bodies and genitals.
We're curious though - it's a rare women who hasn't looked at her vagina in a hand mirror - but even if we have gazed in wonderment and possibly horror (let's face it, the genitalia of either sex are hardly going to win beauty competitions are they?), you'd be well advised to look again.
The more you know about how everything works, the more enjoyment you'll get from sex so it's for this reason I'm going to take you on a guided tour of your own body.
The next five minutes of exploration could make a massive difference to your sex life.
Whether you live in different places or either of you travels extensively for business (or pleasure solo!), keeping a relationship strong and stimulating long-distance isn’t easy. And then there’s your sex life.
‘What sex life?’ I can hear you groan from here.
Granted, it is pretty difficult keeping things steamy when you’re not even physically in the same place.
But with forethought, a little imagination and a lot of naughtiness, it can be done.
WHILE YOU'RE APART
Keep your libido topped up
Stop having sex and you stop wanting sex. The more you masturbate (with fingers or a vibrator) while your partner's gone, the more you'll feel like sex when you're together.
Remember when you were a kid and tried to touch a rainbow? Orgasms can be just as elusive.
Reach just a little higher, you think, and you'll have one but the next minute, it's slipped through your (or his) fingers. Men rarely have problems reaching orgasm - women usually do.
The good news is there's lots you can do to increase your orgasm potential.
Use different stimulation for each orgasm
You've got more chance of having more than one orgasm if it's via a different means. Alternate oral sex with intercourse with digital stimulation (that's his fingers rather than digital telly, but while we're on the topic, a bit of porn playing in the background could be just what you need!)
If he's too close to coming, change activities. Get him to give you oral sex until he feels more in control.
Sex isn't about the destination, it's the means of travelling. A nice sentiment, but if it takes five buses, two trains and a plane to get you to Destination Orgasm, the journey can get a tad tedious!
Up the number and intensity of your orgasms by trying any (and all) of the following:
Prime yourself for sex by turning yourself on beforehand
You're out to dinner with friends? As he's talking, think about what that tongue will do to you later, how much better his fingers would feel inside you rather than wrapped around a beer glass...
Read erotica before you're about to have sex, to get yourself in the mood. (There are plenty of sexy stories in my fantasy book Dare: What happens when fantasies come true.)
Because you're giving and receiving pleasure simultaneously, some claim a 69er is the ultimate erotic sensation.
Others find it's the ultimate in frustration because it's all too easy to get lazy on your end!
If your partner's working their magic and you're about to climax, most of us have a tendency to forget about their pleasure and instead try to get away with a few lacklustre licks.
It's for this reason that lots of couples have 69ers in the can't-get-enough honeymoon stage then decide it's all too difficult later on.
Sixty-niners are a great way to add naughtiness and variety to a stale sex life and with a few simple adjustments, are easy to master.
Here, the ups and downs of head-to-toe sex - and how to make your 69 even better!
You want what the rest of the world is having but can’t seem to push yourself over the edge?
There are two facts you need to accept straight up if you’re going to get anywhere at all.
First up, it’s unlikely your partner is going to give you an orgasm.
Secondly, you need to work at it.
Your first orgasm will almost certainly be achieved solo - I have actually never met a woman who didn't have her first orgasm solo through masturbation. This is pivotal - not just for having your first orgasm but for keeping them (and you) coming.
You have to learn how to orgasm - it's not an automatic process for women. Practice makes perfect: the more you masturbate, the easier orgasm becomes.
With those two rules firmly ensconced in your head, let's move on to a practical action plan:
Want to make her Valentine’s Day really special?
Start by showing her you understand that women often have less incentive to have sex than men do.
It takes longer for us to get aroused, and orgasms aren't guaranteed so there’s less motivation to make the effort if we’re not gagging for it.
(Could you be bothered if you didn’t think there would be a happy ending?)
So, contrary to public perception, it’s actually more in our interest to mix things up and make sex more appealing than it is men’s.
Yet women are still very good at saying, “Oh no, I couldn’t possibly do that!’ when we’re secretly thinking, “God, that’s so hot! Please let him make me!”
So you know about the 'V' (making a V with your fingers and licking between), you've drawn the alphabet on her clitoris (to ensure you're covering the whole thing) and know you have to settle in for a good twenty minutes (the time it takes most women to climax)? Now it's time to add a few more strings to your bow!
1. Discover new hot spots
Sure, you know where the clitoris is, but what about the fourchette or her frenulum?
The fourchette is an area of mucous membrane where the outer lips of the labia meet, at the bottom of the vaginal entrance. 'Fourchette' means 'little fork' in French. Don't just focus on the glans during oral sex, explore all of these quirky areas with a soft, lapping tongue.
Men aren't the only ones with a frenulum, women have them too! (Well, we all have lots of them on our body, actually, including the little flap under our tongues!). Her frenulum is just below the clitoris, where the tops of the inside edges of the inner labia lips meet.