How to talk dirty (without sounding like an idiot)

“I want to talk dirty but I don’t want to sound like they do in porn.”

“My partner wants me to tell him sexy things but I have no idea what the hell to say.”

How to talk dirty without sounding like an idiot is something I’m asked all the time.

In movies, they solve the problem by getting the actor to whisper (huskily), ‘Do you like that?’ . Whoever they are having sex with answers,  ‘God yes!’ and job done.

Quite frankly, that’s about as much talking dirty as most couples do. But you’re missing a trick if you do just leave it at that. There’s something primal and very, very erotic about hearing your partner voice exactly how you are making them feel – and vice versa.

So why does the prospect of talking dirty to our partner reduce the most articulate of us to a nervous wreck?

Talking dirty makes us nervous for three reasons

You’re scared you’ll laugh is the first one. And yes, you will. Talking dirty is funny. That’s why you really have to do it when you’re both turned on, or in the mood to be, because the second you’ve climaxed, whatever you or your partner just said seems either hilarious or really, really perverted. So choose your time carefully.

You’ll scared they’ll laugh AT you, is the second reason. It’s so easy in the beginning. You’d eyeball them suggestively, run your tongue around your lips and ask them to do things a porn star would blush at. It’s later, when you’re mates, that it just starts to feel wrong somehow. Incestuous. You’re not alone – it’s normal to feel more embarrassed talking dirty as time goes on, rather than the reverse.

The third and most common reason – you don’t know what to say. I’m going to give you lots of ideas on this one but the main thing is to find what feels right for you.  Some people love screaming obscenities at the top of their voice and don’t give a damn if the neighbours avoid them in the hall. Others just don’t like slang and swear words. It’s OK not to! Whispering ‘I want you. Now’ can be just as erotic (to some people, more so!). So don’t try to be something you’re not.

On the other hand…if your partner is dying for you to use ‘dirty’ words, why not indulge them? They’re just words, after all. Come up with some compromises: he wants you to use the nasty ‘C’ word, you don’t. How about ‘pussy’ instead? Come on, that’s the same word you call your cat!

I’ve convinced you to give it a whirl? Great! But before you dive straight in there…

Set some ground rules

If it’s possible have a quick chat before you dive in, to find out what would turn both of you on. What sort of language do you want to use? Set limits if one of you doesn’t like slang or swear words. (Be careful with emotionally charged words and phrases like ‘You’re a dirty slut’. Some women love it because it’s so politically incorrect, others find it incredibly insulting.) When should you do it? Just before orgasm or to get you in the mood? What sort of themes (You’re a slut, you’re a virgin, you’re a goddess etc) Do you want it soft and sexy, low and sinister, forceful and disrespectful? Do you want them to do it to you but for you not to have to answer? Do you want to take turns? What about if she whispered in your ear in public? Do you want a beginning, middle and end to it – more a fantasy than just dirty talk? Do you want to pretend you are other people? Some people love pretending their partner’s ‘sleeping’ with someone else, others get all jealous, which not only destroys the mood in two minutes flat, it leads to dreaded discussions like ‘This is all about John isn’t it! He’s got blonde hair and bulging muscles. It’s him you’re fantasising about!’

Now do it!

Pitch your voice lower than usual. If you’re shy, whisper in their ear so there’s no eye contact or try blindfolding them, or letting them blindfold you. Keep it simple to start. Describe what he’s doing to you. ‘You’ve got your hands on my breasts’. Add what that makes you feel, ‘….and it feels wonderful’. Describe what you’re doing or about to do to him. ‘I’m going to take your penis in my mouth and suck it’. Add how that makes you feel, ‘…and it makes me feel powerful. Like you’re in my control’. Encourage her to talk dirty to you by asking her, ‘Do you like that?’, ‘What does it feel like?’, ‘Do you want more?’, ‘What would you like me to do to you now. I’ll do anything….’. Let them know where you’re at arousal wise. ‘Ummm, this is starting to feel really nice’ or ‘God, I’m so close to coming’. Talk about how good the two of you are together, ‘God, I so love our sex together’. Compliment body parts. ‘I love your muscles’, ‘You’ve got the best ass I’ve ever seen’. Pause, draw back and let your eyes totally devour what’s in front of you, then look them straight in the eye and say ‘You’re beautiful. I want you so much’. Let her know how much you want to please her, ‘I’m going to make you come so hard, you won’t know what’s happened’. Let him know how good he looks ‘I love watching your face when you come.’ Give a blow-by- blow description of what’s going on, ‘Your tongue feels amazing. That’s just amazing. Keep doing it. Don’t stop’. Read out something sexy while your partner works on you with their fingers or tongue. Pay attention to body language. Just because they’re not saying anything or coyly refusing to look you in the eye, doesn’t mean they’re not enjoying it! Is he getting harder? Is she getting wetter? Are they breathing harder? You’re doing just fine, so keep going. Use dirty talk to give some cunningly disguised direction as well. ‘Use that gorgeous wet tongue of yours to lick me right there. Really soft. Get it really wet. Swish it around. Just like that’.

If you really can’t bear to do it in real time…If you want to talk dirty but can’t bring yourself to in the moment, record a voice message, or write a sexy email or text, leave a note in their pocket or wallet. Or call them at work when they can’t answer back and tell them exactly what you’ve got planned for that night. ‘Just thought you’d like to know I’m touching myself right now because I can’t wait for you to be inside me later’, then hang up.