50 things I wish I’d known about sex when I was 20

I originally wrote this article for the Mail Online but it was so popular, I’ve decided to share it again here. Wouldn’t it have been nice if someone had handed this article to you when YOU were 20? (And do pass it onto your own kids who are 20-plus!)

    • You’ll have your first orgasm by yourself.

Few of us are lucky enough to start our sexual lives with a lover who’s so patient and skilled he can teach us about our own body.

    • Enthusiasm and being willing to try (almost) everything once is what makes you sexy.

Looks will only take you so far.

    • A vibrator

is the quickest, easiest, most effective way to stimulate the clitoris, which is how most women have an orgasm.

    • You won’t become ‘addicted’ to your vibrator.

Using it often won’t put you off having the ‘real thing’- quite the opposite! Women who regularly use sex toys have higher libidos, orgasm easily and report less sexual dysfunction. About the only ‘bad’ thing that can happen is feeling a bit numb from having it up too high. Panic not. It’s temporary.

    • Only 20% of women can orgasm purely from intercourse.

His ex-girlfriend who used to climax every time, effortlessly, within minutes of him penetrating, was lying.

    • If he can’t kiss, he’ll be useless in bed.

Especially true of men who stick a stiff tongue down your throat the second you lock lips.

    • The male sexual system is join-the-dots stuff.

The female sexual system is complicated and not terribly well thought through. Who thought putting the clitoris outside the vagina would be a good idea?

    • Anyone can be good in bed.

But you do need a good working knowledge of your subject, experience and be willing to take and give feedback.

    • It’s obvious if you don’t like sex.

All the tips and tricks in the world can’t teach you how to fake I’ll-die-if-I-don’t-have-you-now desire.

    • The chances of you both climaxing together is extremely unlikely.

So let’s all stop pretending and stop faking just because that’s what couples do on telly and in the movies.

    • If you fancy a threesome, do it with someone you’re not in love with.

It goes a lot smoother in your head than in your bed and not much fun if you’re a frothing mess of jealousy and insecure paranoia.

    • You’ll have a much better sex life if you match up with someone who has the same libido.

Everyone’s sex drive spikes at the start but about eight months in, you’ll get a good idea of how much sex you both naturally crave. Mismatched sex drives are the main reason couples fight about sex. If you can possibly manage it, stick with your tribe.

    • No-one is born a brilliant lover.

Sex skills can be taught and brushing up on the basics, just to check you’re on the right track, is something everyone should do. We can all improve.

    • It doesn’t mean you’re boring in bed if he wants to try something new.

Let go of the concept that ‘you should be enough’. It’s hard enough making love happily to the same person for the rest of your life. If you don’t have variety, you’ve lost the game before it’s even started.

    • Men are visual.

They like looking at sexy things. This is the main reason why men watch porn. It’s usually that innocent.

    • Both men and women like foreplay.

Quickies are great now and then but dreary and unsatisfying if that’s all you’re offered.

    • Men generally like to be touched twice as hard as women do.

Their skin is thicker. This doesn’t mean you should be rough though: there’s a man attached to that penis!

    • Giving oral sex without using your hands

is about as effective as bobbing for apples in a bucket of water with your hands behind your back.

    • A 69’er is fun to try but generally ineffective.

The more they’re enjoying what you’re doing, the less likely they are to continue doing good work on their end. Far simpler and satisfying to simply take turns.

    • The more different ways you can orgasm, the more orgasms you’ll have.

This means forcing yourself to try a new way to climax if you can only do it one way.

    • The first time you have sex shapes you forever.

If losing your virginity was a positive experience, you’re more likely to view sex as something that’s healthy and enjoyable and lovers as nice people who can be trusted. If your first time still haunts you years later, consider working it through with a good sex therapist.

    • Men aren’t just out for sex.

But it’s easy to spot the ones who are. They won’t hang around post date three if you don’t put out.

    • There is such a thing as a bad BJ.

And not all men adore oral sex.

    • Erections come and go during sex.

It doesn’t mean he’s not enjoying it, it means he was focusing on you and not receiving any physical stimulation.

    • It’s often easier to orgasm solo

than it is with a partner, especially when it’s with someone new.

    • The most likely time you’ll fake it is at the start.

You don’t want to seem anything less than perfect. It’s later on, when you start teaching each other what really does it for you, that you’ll have your first real one.

    • All men watch porn.

But that’s OK because lots of women do too. Don’t read too much into it.

    • Stop worrying about your weight.

Men are far more forgiving of your wobbly bits than you are. He’s not looking at your thighs and thinking ‘Ew! Porridge’, he’s thinking, “Let me get my hands on those”.Sexy is a state of mind not a body size.

    • All sex positions are a variant of the basic five:

him on top, her on top, side-by-side, from behind and standing.

    • If you never initiate sex

your partner will feel like you only have sex to please them. Besides, initiating sex makes you feel powerful which is an aphrodisiac.

    • Women feel like sex a lot at certain times of the month and are repulsed by the idea at others.

This is normal. The female libido fluctuates wildly during the monthly cycle. Let your partner know this information so they don’t take it personally – and where you’re at right now.

    • Give up the search for a tiny area called the ‘G-spot’.

Instead try stimulating anywhere on the front wall of the vagina (the bit under your tummy). It’s one big G-spot!

    • Real men don’t always get erections.

Stress, age, alcohol and lots of medication all affect them.

    • You don’t need an erect penis to have a good time in bed.

Most women have their best, most intense orgasms through oral sex.

    • Genitals come in all different shapes and sizes.

Don’t compare yours to the porn stars: they’ve all been ‘tidied up’, bleached and waxed.

    • If you’re thinking of getting a ‘designer vagina’, you are barking mad.

Vaginal tightening after a particularly horrible birth is one thing but opting for a ‘labial face-lift’ is as risky as the above-the-belt version. Except worse because there’s a risk of permanent loss of sensation if too much skin is removed or ultra-sensitivity if a nerve is exposed. This effectively means your ability to orgasm is compromised – or removed. You look fine as you are. Really.

    • Having sex purely to get the cuddle at the end isn’t healthy.

If that’s what you’re really after, go see a friend or your Mum instead. Better still, get a dog.

  • Some men ask for