So, I’m looking through my old MailOnline columns, looking for inspiration for the next, and I find this little gem.
Ask anyone who writes about sex: the articles that are the most fun to write are the ones where you get to interview lots of people about their personal experiences.
For this column, I asked a selection of straight men (of different ages, some single, some married or in a relationship) what were the things they most hated women doing in bed.
They weren’t backward in coming forward!
Some answers were predictable (faking it), others not so much (pulling at his penis like you’re pulling up a carrot).
The article got a fantastic response on the MailOnline, so thought I’d give it another outing.
Here they are: what 20 men said when I asked them to reveal their top turn-offs.
HAVING SEX WITH A PET IN THE ROOM
“We have three cats and my wife’s life revolves around them. That’s fine. But on the rare occasion when we do have sex, must they be in the bedroom with us? I looked up and locked eyes with one of the cats while I was giving her oral sex and I felt myself deflate like a balloon. It’s was like having a child watch. It’s just wrong on so many levels.”
PRETENDING TO LIKE SEX WHEN YOU DON’T
“It happens all the time. She’s all over you at the start, willing to try anything and talking about how much she loves having sex with you. Fast forward six months and it’s like you’re in bed with another person. My partner told me straight out that she doesn’t have any interest in orgasms, with me or alone, a year into the relationship. She told me she had no interest in sex – and never has. What am I supposed to do with this?”
OVERDOING THE THEATRICS
“I slept with one girl who was moaning and groaning like a porn star within two minutes of kissing. I was like ‘Really? All I’ve done is kiss your neck for two minutes’. It’s patronizing when women over do it. It’s not believable. Sure, the male ego needs stroking but we’re not idiots. We know we’re not that good.”
NOT WILLING TO EXPERIMENT
“She wouldn’t even let me give her oral sex. What’s the point of having sex if it doesn’t include oral sex? Women who won’t stray from missionary are just as bad.”
“I like being tied up. It’s my ‘thing’. I don’t think that’s too out there or kinky so why won’t she indulge me? She doesn’t have to love it, but she should at least try it.”
LOO ROLL WHERE IT SHOULDN’T BE
“Who wants to give oral sex to a woman when there’s bits of loo roll stuck to everything. My friends said it happens to them as well. It’s good to wash before sex but use a towel to dry yourself afterward. Please!”
NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH A PENIS
“She tugged at it like she was pulling up a carrot.”
“She treats my penis like it’s made of glass. It’s almost like she’s frightened of it. Seriously, I stroke myself in front of her. She can see how hard I grip it. How hard can it be to just copy me?”
“It’s not a toy. You can’t tie it into an animal shape like it’s a balloon. I like that women are fascinated by penises because they don’t have one. But save the ‘how far can I bend it/does it bend this way’ stuff for after sex is over. When you’re touching it and we’re about to have sex, keep it sexy.”
WOMEN WHO LACK BODY CONFIDENCE
“She has to be coaxed out from under the sheets. Ten minutes of complimenting and begging for her to let me see her naked. It’s not worth it – I’d rather watch porn and masturbate. I don’t understand why three years in, she’s still like this. Doesn’t she trust me? It makes me so frustrated.”
“Confidence is sexy. Everyone knows that. If she’s so timid, you can’t even leave the lights on or get her out from under the covers, you know the sex is going to be mediocre at best.”
“There was way, way too much action with her tongue. She’d twirl it around and around in a circle inside my mouth, first one way then the other. Her tongue must have ached afterward, it was done with such force. After that, she’d make it stiff and kind of thrust it down my throat in a stabbing motion. The first time I kissed her, I nearly burst out laughing because I thought she was kidding. Once, I dared to suggest it was weird and she got really offended. I think she thought she was a great kisser.”
TOO CLINGY, TOO SOON
“I find it alarming when you sleep with a woman and the next day you wake up, she’s got your future mapped out. Having sex with someone doesn’t mean you’re automatically going out. Men don’t like clingy girls. Being too romantic, reading too much into things too early, isn’t appealing to most men.”
YOU’RE SO LUCKY TO BE SLEEPING WITH ME
“Women who think just saying ‘yes’ is all they need to do – I hate that. That we’re supposed to be so grateful we’re allowed to go there, that’s all that’s required from you.”
“I don’t want to sleep with a corpse. I’d rather not have sex at all than do it with women who lie back and take, making it clear there will be no reciprocation of anything. I want to sleep with someone who enjoys having sex as much as I do and wants to participate, not just lie there.”
ACTING LIKE SEMEN IS ACID
“I don’t care if a woman doesn’t swallow – each to their own. But women who act like semen is acid really does my head in. My ex-wife was always saying thing like ‘Ewwww. Get that stuff off me”. I asked her once if I could ejaculate over her breasts and she physically recoiled like I’d asked her to do something truly appalling. It’s not hard to see why we didn’t last.”
NOT GIVING ORAL SEX
“I go down on her for half an hour at a time and never complain. But when I ask her to reciprocate and give me oral sex, I get three minutes – if I’m lucky. It’s unfair.”
“It’s her facial expression when she does it. She looks disgusted. Like I’m asking her to lick the loo seat, not give pleasure to a man she supposedly loves. What is it with women and giving men head?”
BAD BODY ODOUR
“She took off her top and the smell nearly knocked me out. I felt physically sick. She knew we’d be having sex that night. Would it have killed her to have a shower and put on some clothes that had been recently washed?”
“Women have it much easier than men because at least his penis is external and there’s lots of air circulating. When we give you oral sex it’s a confined space and if you don’t smell great, it’s pretty revolting for us.”
BEING TOO BOSSY
“I’m not sure what’s worse. A woman who gives you no feedback at all or someone who instructs and corrects your every move. I slept with one girl once who seriously spoke to me like I’d never given oral sex before in my life. It’s emasculating.”
“She might as well have held a score card up at the end of it. I knew it was a really bad score, too. The next time we had sex, I couldn’t even get an erection.”
TALKING ABOUT OTHER LOVERS
“My wife and her friends always joke about an ex of hers and how ‘hung’ he was and how much sex my wife and he used to have. I’ve told her I hate it but she thinks I’m being over sensitive. ‘I’m with you now, not him’ she says. I think ‘Sure. But who are you having sex with in your head when we’re doing it?’.”
CAN’T BEAR TO BE PARTED FROM YOUR PHONE
“My girlfriend checks social media every two minutes. I now refuse to have the phone in the room during sex because I can see her looking longingly at it during sex. Like she can’t wait for the sex to be over so she can be back on it.”
“Talking in cutesy voices and calling me by my pet name. Out of bed, it can be fun but baby talk during sex never is.”
“My ex used to grab hold of my limp penis and say ‘Look at the little widdle’. Then she’d wonder why I didn’t want to have sex with her.”
“My wife loves having sex when she’s drunk but it’s a totally different kind of sex than when she’s not. She withdraws into herself. I know she’s fantasizing about someone or something and it’s not me. She keeps her eyes shut, as well, when she doesn’t normally. It’s unnerving thinking about where she’s gone in her head.”
“Every man knows women fake it, but I associate it with casual sex. I certainly don’t expect a long-term partner to. What is the point? If she fakes orgasm, how am I supposed to learn what really gets her off? It’s senseless.”
TALKING TOO MUCH
“I don’t mind that she talks a lot generally. I’m not a talker, so it doesn’t bother me. But I find so irritating when she keeps talking while we’re having sex. I wouldn’t mind if she talked about sex and how good it felt or talked dirty. But she talks about normal shit, day to day things. Like we’re sitting having coffee, talking about what day we’ve had. It’s bizarre.”