A spot of slap and tickle: the beginner’s guide to spanking


Theories on why a slap on the bottom feels sexy abound.

Some say it’s the result of humiliating childhood spanking sessions. When something bad happens to us as a child, our natural, protective mechanisms attempt to try to turn it into something positive. The shame of being bent over a (sexy) teacher’s knee in front of the class, is turned into an erotic episode so the child can cope. Later on, a playful slap from a lover, subconsciously reignites that feeling.

Then there’s the link between pleasure and pain – a well-placed, well-timed slap on the bottom feels good! Pain is one of the strongest sensations you can feel – and it doesn’t diminish once you’re accustomed to it. Light and consistent stroking or touching is screened out by our subconscious, pain stays in our awareness.

As with any new sexual activity, there are ways of trying it out sensibly and safely – and all are listed here for you! As always, get enthusiastic consent before proceeding please. 


Test the waters by gauging their reactions to mild pain. When they’re next aroused, pinch their nipples slightly, then harder and watch how they react. Do they open their eyes, give an annoyed ‘Ouch!’ along with a glare? This is a red light. If, however, they gasp but their breathing stays deep and slow, they could be open to it. A little involuntary moan is a flashing green light! Bear in mind some people like some types of pain but not others – they might hate their nipples bitten but love a well-delivered slap on the bottom. If the nipple pinching doesn’t work, wait till the next session and playfully slap them on the bottom, seeing what effect that has.

Send a sexy text, saying what you’re going to do later (They’ve been naughty and you’re going to punish them) or buy a riding crop or soft whip as a present. Worried they’ll think you’re a deviate rather than daringly sexy? Search ‘erotic fiction spanking’ and you’ll loads of scenes with spanking in them. Read out the bit that most appeals to your partner. Say ‘God, this bit’s sexy. Let me read it out to you’. If they look at you, completely uninterested and blank, simply shrug and say ‘Well, I thought it was sort of sexy’. An alternative is to rent a movie which has a spanking scene and watch their reaction (try the old classic, ‘The Secretary’).

SPANK SENSIBLY ♥ Get consent and have keywords or signals to show whether the person is happy with the level of pain – or want more. A nod or ‘yes’ could means they’re enjoying it but don’t want it any harder; ‘more’ or ‘now’ means up the level of intensity. ♥ To judge how hard to hit, get your partner to rate each slap you dispense on a scale of 1-10. One is very light, 10 is hard. Start off gently, then build up with them calling out the number which corresponds with the stroke. Let them decide on which number or level they’re most comfortable with. If the number four suits them but they want more or less once you’re into it, they call out ‘three’ (for lighter) or ‘five’ (for stronger).


  • Pick a position. The classic you’ve-been-a-naughty-girl/boy is to bend them over your knee. But you could try them standing, kneeling on all fours (save this for later, it can feel a bit threatening for a first time), or face down on the bed.
  • The more fat and/or muscle the body part has, the harder stroke it can take. Since the idea of playful spanking is to cause ‘pleasant’ pain but no damage, those big fleshy, gorgeous orbs known as the buttocks are the obvious place to start, though you could try the back of the thighs.
  • Start with your hand for the first spanking session. If you both enjoy it, then you can move onto soft whips, riding crops or paddles. Remove any rings or bracelets. Check there are no rough spots on your hands and use a pumice stone to remove them.
  • Decide how long you want the session to last. The longer the session is, the lighter the slaps. More intense slapping should be done for a short period.
  • Don’t even think about starting the session until they’re fully aroused. The more erotically aroused they are, the more likely they are to be receptive to erotic pain. Stop spanking the minute their arousal level falls.
  • Run your fingers lightly over their buttocks, ticking them. Then place one hand on a buttock cheek, the other on the genitals. Start with the cheek closest to you.
  • Cup your hand slightly, keep fingers together and spank in a slightly upward motion. This feels better than a downward stroke. Keep your wrist flexible to begin with – experiment by holding it rigid a little further on.
  • Your first spank should be more like a caress than a slap. After you’ve dispensed it, massage the area for a few seconds and fondle the genitals.
  • Then try another spank, timing them to arrive no later than 3-5 seconds apart. Cover both cheeks, aiming for the lower (fleshier) part of the cheeks and start to increase the force. Vary the weight, frequency and placement of the slaps.
  • Later, try dispensing a spank, then holding your hand still on the skin for a second or so. Rub, stroke or lick the area for a further second, before giving another spank.
  • Alternate the spank of your hand with a different texture – the back of a hairbrush. Or contrast the slap of spanking with light, feathery strokes or kisses.
  • Get her to hold a vibrator between her legs by clamping her thighs tight, to double the stimulation.
  • Use an ice cube to cool down the skin after a spank. Then lick or rub it to provide the contrast of hot and cold.

LOVED IT? TRY THESE If you both enjoyed the session, head here for some implements. Riding crops are an excellent addition to your toy box. They’re good for light or heavy strokes and make a sinister swish and slapping sound, which adds to fantasy scenarios. They look sexy and are inexpensive. You’ll also find an array of whips. Rubber whips look fierce but are incredibly soft, if you want more, choose one made of soft, light leather. Both soft whips and crops are great for teasing – gently poke the tip of the crop against her clitoris or brush the strands of the whip across his thighs. Paddles – broad, hard instruments – are for true devotees. They cause much more pain and it’s hard to judge how hard you’re hitting when using one