Intercourse is what many people – particularly men – see at the ‘main event’ of sex.
Weird, then, that such an important part of sex gets relatively little attention in the ‘how to’ department. There’s lots of info on positions but, apart from that, having intercourse is pretty much ignored.
Here you’ll find hints on technique, a checklist to make sure you aren’t committing any penetration sins and other (hopefully) useful stuff.
This is the second in my series of practical, technique-based blogs designed to give your sex life a refresh and make it sparkly and new again.
A quick note before I start: This is aimed at straight men and women – for a reason. A lot of the problems with intercourse tend to affect this group. Apologies to other readers and promise there are bits that are relevant to everyone here.
HIS TOP SIX PENETRATION SINS
A bad thrusting style
Hammering away like a jackhammer is still up there on the female ‘Pet Male Hates’ list. A man who thrusts slowly and/or swivels his hips and moves in circles rather than just thrusts in and out, wins every time.
A few pathetic fumbles to check if she’s wet does not make her ready for you to plunge on in. Unless you’re both fired up for a quickie, keep that penis away until you’ve paid some lip service and at least inserted some fingers to check she’s lubricated and ready for you.
Taking too long
Yes, there are exceptions and times when you both want it to last six weeks not just hours but, as a rule, intercourse that lasts longer than 20 minutes has most women yawning rather than groaning.
Expecting to come together
Where have you been the last ten years?
Only 20-30 per cent of women actually orgasm during penetration (unless you add the extra of clitoral stimulation). Orgasms last seconds not minutes. The chances of you both having one at the same time is low, not the norm.
Don’t make her fake it like all your previous partners, instead give her an orgasm first, then enjoy yours guilt-free.
Constantly changing positions
This is a favourite of men who secretly think they’re shit hot in the sack.
You think it’s impressive chucking her this way and that, she just thinks, ‘Tedious try-hard’ and blocks your number the second you’re out the door.
If you want to change position, move gently to a similar pose: transitioning from side-by-side to him or her on top is very doable without being intrusive.
Getting really drunk
If you’re under 25, you might be excused. But if you’re over, excessive alcohol often means your erections are half-hearted and you’re so desensitized, it takes you years to orgasm.
If your partner’s drunk too and up for it, go for it.
But if you’ve been out with the boys and she’s already tucked up in bed, do both of you a favour and snore in the spare room.
DO THIS INSTEAD
Hold the base of your penis and rub the baby-soft head over her clitoris and the whole vulva. Then wait until she’s begging for you to penetrate. (If she doesn’t beg, you’re doing the job a little too well. Never mind, keep going until she climaxes, then penetrate immediately after to ride the final waves of her orgasm.)
Try one gloriously slow, deep plunge, then pull right back for four shallower pumps before doing another deep thrust. Keep repeating.
Grab her buttocks to pull her pelvis close, position your pubic bone so it’s pressing against her clitoris and grind in relentlessly slow circles.
Angle your penis different ways in each position to target different areas of her vaginal wall. The most sensitive part is usually the bit under her tummy.
Pace yourself. It’s fine to let go and thrust hard and fast if she’s a fan, just don’t do for ages – and be aware of the consequences. (Her being knocked unconscious by you bashing her head against the wall, for instance.)
Tip don’t thrust. Pull her close, then tip your pelvis up and down and from side to side.
Thrust somewhere other than the obvious. Get her to hold her breasts together or try between her closed thighs. It’s a gentle, non-invasive way to have sex for when you’re both kind of interested but not gagging for sex. (Also great for during her period.)
Rock. Put some lube on your penis and position yourself so you’re sliding between her vaginal lips, high enough to graze her clitoris, then move in a rocking motion. Get her to tense her thigh muscles and hold her thighs together as close as possible.
THE CLASSIC MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE WHILE HAVING INTERCOURSE
Lying back and letting him do everything.
Share the task of thrusting and if you can’t do that, at least even it out with enthusiasm. Thrust your hips up to meet his, squeeze your pelvic muscles tight every time he thrusts, grab his buttocks and put your hands flat behind you on the wall behind the bed to give leverage.
Skipping your pelvic floor exercises.
Squeezing and holding your pelvic floor muscles on a regular basis, doesn’t just make intercourse feel better his end, it’ll feel better yours as well. The more toned you are, the easier you’ll orgasm and the better it will feel.
Stressing if he loses his erection.
It’s not a wind-up toy, you know! It’s normal for him to go hard, soft, hard, semi-soft, sort of hard, soft, really hard – all in the one session. No reflection on anything, so park the paranoia.
DO THIS INSTEAD
Use your legs during missionary. If you want him deeper, push your knees into his armpits or straighten your legs and hold them high into the air, leaning them back towards your head, as though you’re trying to touch your toes on the wall behind (looks showy and athletic but is actually dead easy!). Up the friction by letting him penetrate first, then hold your legs straight and together with his legs outside yours.
Arch during rear-entry. Arch your back to pull him deeper inside, push your chest to the floor and spread your legs wider. If you want him shallower, flatten your back and keep your hips tucked under. Use your arms to alter the angle of penetration: hold yourself up on your hands or rest your chest on the bed and lay your arms flat out in front of you.
Show off on top. Spread yourself wide open with your hand and both watch him disappear inside you. Or sit him in a chair (without arms) and lap-dance: knead your breasts, play with your clitoris and tease by letting him penetrate a little before lifting yourself off…then on again.
Move to an armchair, let him lie back, jump on top again, then lean back so your hands are on his knees and your legs on the top of the back of the chair. Says American sexpert Sadie Allison, “What can’t he see in this position? It’s the ultimate eye-candy treat!”.
TRANSFORM ANY POSITION
Add pillows. They make any position feel better, more comfortable – and more doable. Drape rugs over furniture to cover pointy corners or on the floor to save you from a scratchy carpet.
Turn around. Our instinct is to face each other, instead face in the same direction if you’re side-by-side or he’s behind. Face in opposite directions if she’s on top.
Move her legs to alter the angle of her vagina, creating a tighter fit and so he can penetrate more deeply.
Get him to put one of his feet on the floor when you’re on the bed, for a more stable surface to push against.
Add a vibrator so neither of you end up with hand cramps trying to play with her clitoris.
Do it when you usually don’t. An unplanned spontaneous quickie wins hands down because it reminds us of sex at the oh-so-easy start.
Do it somewhere new. Do it on the sofa, in rocking chairs and recliners, do it in the loft, loo, on the stairs, in seedy motels, as posh a hotel as you can afford and a cheap, sleazy one, on boats, in swimming pools, under the blanket on a plane, in a tent. And then start getting creative…