Energiser, connector, controller or stabiliser. What’s your sex personality?

Are you an adventurous ‘energiser’ or a ‘connector’ who’s more interested in connecting hearts than parts? A giving ‘stabliser’ or a ‘controller’ who likes routine?

We all have a sex personality and understanding each of yours is the key to having great sex together.

If you’re lucky enough to have hooked up with someone who has the same ‘sex personality’ as you, congratulations!

Connecting on this base level means you’ll probably have a lot less problems than most.

But what if that didn’t happen and the person you’re desperately, deeply in love with, is at the other end of the spectrum when it comes to sexual styles?

Are you doomed if your ‘sex personalities’ are different?

The answer, of course, is no.

In reality, perfect matches are rare because we tend to be attracted to our opposites in an unconscious attempt to balance ourselves.

The trick is understanding each other’s natural preferences and predilections, learning from each other rather than secretly considering your own personality the ‘right’ one and allowing your differences to complement each other.

Which sex personality most fits you and your partner?

Find out here, then share the info!


Catch you on a good day and you’re an exciting, seductive creature who mesmerizes and dazzles your lovers with bucket loads of confidence, extraordinary technique and unbridled enthusiasm. The downside is you’re a little self-absorbed and like to be top of the game in everything you do – and that includes sex.

Is this you?

Are you pretty much up for anything? You like talking dirty, watching porn, trying out sex toys and having sex outside?

Do you dislike rules or compromise and feel sex is self-orientated? When you ask ‘How was it for you?’ do you really mean ‘How was I?’.

Do you see sex as a source of pleasure, fun and a great way to connect to your partner?

Good points: Because you’re highly motivated, you can happily match with people with an average or even low sex drive. You put the effort in to capture their interest and constantly come up with new things to keep them interested.

Not so good: God help a lover who is ungrateful, not really interested in making sex a priority or generally unenthusiastic. You don’t mind them needing a little prompting but enthusiasm and attitude are everything. Your partner also needs to be technically adept so they can satisfy you.

Make sex better: Yes, yes we all know you’re good at the whole sex thing but there’s no need to be scathing of partners who aren’t as experienced as you. Another potential pitfall: because ‘novelty’ is your middle name, there’s a tendency for you to rely too much on sexual props. Sometimes you need to put down the toys, whips, porn and playthings and strip sex back to basics. Get naked, get in the missionary position, look deep into your partner’s eyes and connect.


Cautious and cooperative, as the name suggests, you’ll do anything for a peaceful life. Kind and generous, you initially present as heaven on a stick – especially to someone who’s just emerged, bruised and battered from a relationship with a demanding energizer. But just like them, you have your downsides. You thrive on predictability in sex and would rather give than receive pleasure. You don’t like talking about sex problems and tend to clam up.

Is this you?

Do you get more pleasure giving than receiving?

Do you feel uncomfortable speaking up about what you need your partner to do to satisfy you?

Do partners often ask if you enjoy having sex with them because they’re not sure?

Good points: Your enthusiasm for giving pleasure is phenomenal – you’ll happily settle in to perform oral sex for an hour without once complaining of neck pain so bad, you’re about to pass out.

Not so good: Your partner’s lucky to get a moan or groan when they reciprocate because you have trouble expressing your own pleasure. And you actually like routine in your sex sessions – not everyone else does.

Make sex better: Because you’re not keen on confrontation, any resentment in sex is buried – often resulting in problems of you climaxing or getting aroused. Instead of trying to ‘pay your partner back’ in sneaky, passive-aggressive ways (which you’re inclined to do), speak up more both during sex and about it.

Shift the pleasure focus from them to you: think about what you need and want and tell your partner you need their help to learn to ‘take’ in bed. When they’re pleasuring you, force yourself to focus on the feeling and sensations.


For you, sex is more about expressing love and feelings than it is physical release. You’re less interested in sexual performance and more focused on the emotional benefits of sex: intimacy rather than orgasm is your aim. You’re first in line at the ‘rom-com’s and a sucker for grand gestures of love.

Is this you?

Are you more inclined to cuddle up than initiate sex?

Does the emotional temperature have to be just right before you can get in the mood for sex?

Are you more interested in romantic sex than lusty or ‘dirty’ sex?

Good points: You’re a forgiving lover and so long as you feel your partner loves you, will tolerate most sex drives. You’re realistic about sex so reasonably easy to please in a physical sense.

Not so good: A lusty but disconnected lover who gets too lost in the physical side will leave you cold. The whole point of having sex, for you, is to feel closer and connected to your partner. If that’s missing, you won’t enjoy it.

Make sex better: The relationship isn’t always going to be perfect, so you could stand to lower your expectations a little. Be more open to spontaneous sex and try shifting your focus from your heart to other parts. Have ‘dirtier’ sex and push your limits. Mix it up a little: romantic, loving sex is great but so is the throw-each-other-around variety. Most importantly, don’t suffocate your partner sexually by insisting they gaze into your eyes when they’d actually rather be feasting them on other, more interesting parts.


You like routine both in and out of the bedroom and the feeling of being in control. Familiarity might breed contempt in others but for you, it’s a turn on. You dislike change and find it quite stressful so the impromptu sexual surprise that would thrill others, instead freaks you out. Predictable sex that follows a tried-and-true set pattern is your idea of sexual nirvana. It requires little effort and is fulfilling enough to keep you satisfied.

Is this you?

Do you feel threatened or insulted if your partner wants to try something new?

Can you only orgasm through a particular, often quite specific technique?

Do you like to be in control of your emotions generally?

Good points: Others might look in and find your sex life a little dull but, in fact, you orgasm easily with your partner. Because you stick to the same method, the path to orgasm is well-travelled and if you train your body to orgasm a certain way, it reads the signposts easily, identifying predictable triggers to tip you over the edge.

Not so good: Your ideal match sexually is someone like you – more interested in good, regular, satisfying sex than trying new things that might possibly backfire. An energiser would alarm you with their need for novelty, a connector would be too intense.

Make sex better: A certain amount of predictability is fine but too much desensitises. Try to push at least a little out of your comfort zone to build your sexual confidence. If you feel more comfortable approaching sex in a logical fashion, try drawing up a list of new things to try.

Predictable doesn’t need to be boring: if you plan some new activities to add variety, you’ll still feel in control because you know what’s coming. Take baby steps and introduce one thing that you feel in control of rather than pushing yourself out of your comfort zone too quickly.


Of all the types, you are the one who worries the most about sex. It’s not to say you don’t enjoy it, it’s just something that’s often fraught with anxiety for you and in a society saturated by sex, it’s embarrassing to admit you’re not frothing at the mouth for it like everyone else seems to be. You often feel under pressure to perform and worry you’re inadequate – both in how you look and what you’re doing in bed. Some of you may even avoid sex completely out of a fear of failure, preferring to satisfy yourself through masturbation rather than have sex with a partner.

Is this you?

Do you have a naturally low libido – or none at all?

Have you had some distressing sexual encounters in your past and think of sex as something to be feared or disliked?

Is your self-esteem low both in bed and out of it?

Good points: I don’t mean to depress you even further but there really aren’t any. This is why of all the types, you need to take the ‘fix-it’s’ below most seriously.

Not so good: You may try to hide what you see as your ‘secret’ by sleeping with lots of people to prove to others (including yourself) that you enjoy being sexually active. Or in an attempt to obliterate an unhappy sexual past. You may also stay in bad relationships and have ‘victim’ sex: getting little or no enjoyment from it and doing it purely for your partner’s pleasure. The implications of this aren’t good – if you have sex for the wrong reasons with the wrong person, you feel used, abused and even more worthless.

Make sex better: Think through all your past sexual experiences. Negative experiences create negative patterns. Challenge any out-dated beliefs, find new, healthier sex role models, perhaps replacing the views of puritanical parents with friends you admire. If you’re single, vow to stop having casual sex for a while – it’s not doing you any favours. Instead, build your sexual confidence by taking some time out from sex and talking through any negative experiences with understanding friends or a therapist. When you feel better, look for a partner who you feel you might eventually be able to trust.

Don’t have sex too early. If you’re unsure of your judgement, introduce them to trustworthy friends for their opinion before getting sexually involved. Finally, trust that a healthy, satisfying sex life is possible for you once you exorcise the demons. If you aren’t getting anywhere doing that yourself, contact a good sex therapist. Find one at relate.org.uk, cosrt and bacp.

Almost all of the sex therapists I really rate have their own versions of sex personalities. I particularly liked the ‘energiser’ and ‘stabliser’ theory, put forward by US therapist Dr Sandra Scantling. The versions of those are mine but inspired by her original model.