There’s a perception that women are the ones who react with horror if their partner confesses a desire to do dark, dirty deeds.
In reality, it’s often men who are most threatened.
You asking him to up the erotic ante means you’re reversing the traditional sexual roles – him pushing you to be more sexually adventurous – which some men still find emasculating.
“It’s a bit like guys boasting about how they’d love it if a girl came up to them in a bar and said ‘Take me home now’,” says a 32-year-old banker friend of mine.
“Most men would run if it actually happened. We’re meant to be the sexual predator and instigator of ‘kinky’ things, not her!”
There is a certain type of man who will react to any suggestion of spicing up your sex life with disapproval.
Women – delicate little petals that we are – aren’t supposed to want naughty things and this man’s judgement of you will be rapid and harsh: you’re a ‘tart’ or a ‘slut’ and definitely not good enough to be sitting at his parent’s table for Sunday lunch.
Quite frankly, if you seriously think this is the reaction you’d get from your partner, not being able to share sexual fantasies is the least of your problems (as in you might want to rethink the whole relationship!)
It’s one thing being tactful and diplomatic about your sexual needs, quite another having to bury them because you’ve hooked up with someone who’s intent on making you feel bad about yourself. (Most of us do a pretty good job of doing that ourselves, thanks very much!)
Happily, for the majority of women who’ve hooked up with sane, sensible men, despite all the potential pitfalls, there are ways to have your ‘kink’ and keep him too.
Whether you’re suggesting you role-play Santa and a very, very naughty elf or want to invite Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen into bed for a Christmas six-some, these are the basics which apply to any situation where you’re the one suggesting something new sexually.
(If you’re on the receiving end, by the way, always remember this: it’s a huge compliment to you if your partner is willing to admit to their true desires. You should be flattered, not threatened.)
Make it his idea
Any good negotiator will tell you someone is far more open to doing something if they think the idea came from them.
“Remember you said you’d always wanted to try a tie-up game? Why don’t we do it now.” (Most people can’t remember what they said yesterday, let alone years ago.)
Make it clear you’ve only ever wanted to do it with him
His first thought will be ‘Has she already done this with someone else?’ If you have done it with someone else, tell a white lie. Give the impression he’s just awakened the adventurous side of you.
Make it clear you’re suggesting it because you trust him
You know you won’t be judged and he’s made you feel so good about yourself, you feel you can truly open up and tell him anything.
Tell him you’re suggesting it because you want to have the best sex life possible
You know all the statistics about couples cheating on each other and don’t want that to happen to you two. You’re trying to make sure your sex life stays as exciting as possible so neither of you feel the need to stray.
Even if today’s society, some men feel threatened by sexually confident women
Most men will enthusiastically welcome exploring your sexual fantasies once their fears are allayed.
But it really is crucial for you to present your proposition tenderly and tactfully rather than assume he’s up for anything just because he’s a man.
Right, off to get that Santa suit ready….