How do I interest my partner in trying anal sex?

The original version of this blog is seven years old. 

The reason why I’ve bothered to redo the entire thing is its popularity. Nearly 200,000 of you have read it and hopefully others will as well.

I’ve added lots more information to it to make it (hopefully) an even more helpful, honest, straight-up guide about a topic that seems to interest so many of you.

Despite anal play and anal sex becoming far more popular with lots of couples, some people still have a knee jerk reaction to it.

Which is why many people are nervous to bring up the subject with their partner.

Bottoms remain a very private matter for most of us.

While plenty of couples leave the bathroom door open when having a wee, few people do it when they’re having a poo.

It’s a place we associate with ‘dirtiness’ because that’s what comes out. We’re also only used to things coming out of our anus, not going in. It seems ‘unnatural’ to go against what nature intended.

We’re getting better about talking openly about many previously taboo topics – masturbation has moved from never-ever-admit territory to something lots of us joke about.

But anal play and intercourse is still a sensitive topic – and it makes many people feel uncomfortable.

Religion, personal beliefs, our parent’s attitude to sex: all contribute to how we’re going to react if a partner says, ‘Hey, how about we experiment with some anal play”.

The other thing that heavily influences how your partner will react is past experience.

What puts women off trying it

What puts a lot of women off, is having had the old ‘Ooops, I got the wrong hole’ trick pulled on us.

A partner ‘accidentally’ and eagerly thrusting a penis or strap-on into an unlubricated, unprepared anus HURTS. Through the roof hurts.

And it’s put plenty of women (and some men) off for life.

The second most likely thing to put us off is being asked for it, over and over and over again which (like the threesome request) only makes us more determined not to do it.

Another turn-off: being asked too soon into a relationship.

Look, if it’s just sex you’re both after and you’re into it, go right ahead and ask.

But if you’re early into a relationship you think has legs, get used to each other first – and enjoy the buzz of sex in a new relationship.

It all too quickly wears off and anal sex is something guaranteed to get both your attention later on.

Rest assured though: plenty of women enjoy anal sex – if – and it’s a big if – it’s suggested politely and done properly.

What puts men off trying it

While lots of men are attracted to trying anal sex, some straight men refuse to try it for fear it means they’re gay.

Let me reassure you. Enjoying anal stimulation doesn’t mean you’re gay or bi or anything else other than human.

Feeling sexually aroused by other men is a hint you might be gay, not enjoying anal play or anal intercourse.

I’m talking both sides of the equation as well: having anal play or intercourse with your girlfriend AND/OR enjoying her giving you anal stimulation or penetrating you with a strap-on.

Lots of people enjoy being penetrated anally, regardless of their sexual orientation or what they identify as.

It’s an orifice that’s packed with nerve endings and feels good when it’s stimulated.

It’s that simple. Don’t read anything into it.

What puts anyone off trying it

Not being warned.

Listen, most people very gingerly explore anal play for the first time, worried they will break wind or their partner will find something ‘up there’ that’s embarrassing.

No-one welcomes an adventurous finger or tongue if they’ve just eaten a gassy meal or are dying to do a poo.

Anal play and sex isn’t something you do on the spur of the moment for the first time.

Do not – I repeat, do not – plan it as a ‘surprise’.

Why you both may like it

Anal play and intercourse can be intensely pleasurable for both of you. The rectum is packed with nerve endings, which feel great when stimulated.

Men are usually drawn to anal intercourse because the anus is often tighter than the vagina, increasing friction and feeling.

But you’re missing out, big time, if you only ever want to be on the penetrating/giving end. The prostate gland – nicknamed ‘the male G spot’) is inside the rectum and stimulating it can produce the most explosive orgasm men have ever felt.

Your partner can do this by either inserting either a finger or vibrating butt plug while simultaneously giving a hand-job or oral sex. Or you could completely surrender and try a pegging kit or similar: letting your partner penetrate you anally with a strap-on.

Approached properly, anal sex can be intensely pleasurable for women as well.

The rectum shares a wall with the vagina and penetrating it gives a feeling of fullness in both. It’s also seen as taboo (always a turn on).

The more the person enjoys anal play, the more likely they are to say yes to anal intercourse.

Can women orgasm purely through anal sex?, is something I’m asked often.

Most sex experts say no.

Anal play or sex can, however, easily tip her over into orgasm if she’s hovering on the brink (even better, if you’re stimulating her clitoris while inside her).

It also intensifies other stimulation.

The naughtiness of a well-lubricated finger, butt plug, or anal beads inside her anus and also vagina, teamed with an expert tongue, rates up there as one of life’s greatest pleasures.


Start by sharing other fantasies. If you don’t already talk comfortably about sex and fantasies you have, start now. My favourite technique for doing that is to say, ‘I had a sexy dream last night that we were doing X.’ Wait to hear their reaction. If it’s ‘That sounds interesting/like fun’, it means they’re up for trying it in real life. If they take two paces back, maybe not!

Don’t suggest it during sex. Wait until you’re chatting away outside of the bedroom. If your partner is adventurous, all you need so say is ‘Let’s try something new next time we have sex. How about some anal play? Are you up for it?’. If you’re always trying new things, it’s probably not a big deal. They’ll either respond with ‘Why not?’ or ‘Doesn’t appeal. But let’s think of something else’.

If your partner isn’t terribly open to trying new things, you need to tread more carefully. Start with ‘I love our sex life and want us both to stay really excited about it. I think it would be great for us to try some new things. Do you agree?’. Ask if they have anything they have in mind, then come up with at least two suggestions: anal play and something else (mild and non-threatening).

If they’re embarrassed by your suggestion, they can always focus on the second, giving themselves time to think about it.

If they seem uncomfortable or shocked by your suggestion, leave it a day or two, then revisit. Say ‘I hope you weren’t offended by me suggesting we try some anal play. I’m just really attracted to the idea of it and would love to explore it with you. Can we talk about it?’.

Suggest anal play not anal intercourse. A playful suggestion that you’d like to try exploring that area – along with a ‘You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I’d at least like to try stimulating you with my fingers’, will get you much further than asking for anal intercourse. Fingers – especially the pads of your fingers – are way, way less scary sounding than a big, erect penis. Read this.

This isn’t about you. It’s not something your partner is doing for you and your pleasure. It’s something they might want to try for their own pleasure. Pitch it like that.

Let them know you will stop the second they tell you to. And that there won’t be any anger or sulking if they decide they don’t want to go further. If someone says no to anal sex, it’s no. That’s it.

There is a right and wrong way to try anal sex. You need to build up to it. It’s not something you try in the heat of the moment. It’s not something you do the first time when really drunk or stoned. It’s something that needs planning. You’ll find a guide here. Read it and it show it to your partner, if they agree to explore trying it.

Make it abundantly clear you won’t ‘accidentally’ try it or expect it to happen overnight. Trust is crucial.

Enthusiastic consent is what you’re after here. Not ‘I’ll try it because I’m worried you’ll leave me if I don’t’. No hassling. No ultimatums. No coercion. I’m really hoping I don’t have to spell all this out but just in case.

If your partner agrees to explore the possibility, provide lots of information. Let them know why they might enjoy it. Show them what I’ve written above. Search ‘anal’ on my website and you’ll find lots of different blogs, with hints on how to enjoy all different types of anal play. (Click ‘older entries’ at the bottom, to find more.) Read them together until you’re both confident you know the facts to make sure your first experience is comfortable and safe.

Don’t deviate from the rules. Lube. Baby steps. Take your time. More lube. Start with fingers and toys, then progress to penetration with a dildo or penis. All of this is covered here. Do not attempt to try anal intercourse without doing your homework and research.