Share a fantasy – without scaring your partner off

Sharing fantasies requires trust – especially the more ‘out there’ ones.

Not only do you have to hope like hell your partner won’t judge you, you also need to be 100 percent certain the information won’t be used against you later (during an argument) or repeated to others (the second you’ve split).

Personally, I’ve always thought there’s no real point to sharing a fantasy unless you want to act it out because there can be fallout.

But lots of couples do enjoy turning each other on by talking about what arouses them in their imagination.

If the idea appeals to you, go ahead!

But first consider all of the following, before opening your mouth, to ensure both of you aren’t in for any nasty surprises.

When and how are you going to confess?

Choose your moment and mentally rehearse what you’re going to say beforehand. (If you feel uncomfortable, try closing your eyes or looking away from them.)

Consider writing it down and reading over their shoulder rather than saying it out loud.

Never make sharing or role-playing a fantasy a complete surprise. What turns you on might leave them cold and then both of you are left in that awkward, embarrassing, deflated-balloon stage which will put you off ever suggesting anything new again.

Are they super-sensitive?

Some people react defensively to any suggestion of new sexual requests, taking it as a criticism that your current lovemaking isn’t enough. If this is the case, consider using an indirect approach.

Wait until you’re both in jovial moods, then say you had an incredibly erotic dream last night. Tell them about it (a made-up scenario based around your fantasy) and see what reaction you get.

The more detail they ask for, the more interested they are.

Take that as your cue to confess it’s actually been a fantasy of yours for ages.

If you want to act it out, keep the conversation going on a light-hearted level, then ask what some of their fantasies are. Once you’re both talking, it’s relatively easy to sneakily slip in a line like ‘Hey, I’ve just had a great idea! Why don’t we act all these out for a bit of fun!”

Will it make them jealous?

Any fantasies about real people you know or are likely to meet are out for obvious reasons. (Unless their fantasy is being cuckold, in which case they might be perfect!)

Keep the sense of the fantasy, just keep the person anonymous.

How out there is it?

Fantasies can sound ominous when repeated out loud and if you’ve had it for a while, chances are its initial shock value has been diluted for you.

Anything which involves things like sleeping with other people, ‘fake rape’, some kind of swinging or BDSM could shock your partner initially. Even if you have no desire to act it out and simply want to tell, some people find it disturbing.

Start with ‘safe’ scenarios to get them used to the idea that sharing fantasies doesn’t mean wanting to relive them.

What do you want to happen after you’ve confessed?

Why are telling them? Do you want to take it through to reality and are asking them to join you or for their permission for you to indulge? Do you want to role-play it with them? Or are you just telling for a bit of sexy mood-setting?

Whichever it is, it’s a very good idea to tell the person what you’d like to do with the fantasy before you tell them what it is.

What if they react badly?

If your partner appears to over-react to a mild fantasy, it could be because you’ve hit a sensitive spot: it might remind them of a previous, traumatic sexual experience or childhood memory.

If they do get angry, stay calm and talk through the possible reasons why. Anger is almost always caused by fear.

It could be you’ve reminded them of something traumatic or it could be they feel foolish or ‘uncool’ for being shocked by something you said.

Some extremely jealous people don’t like that thought of anything arousing their partner, other than thoughts of the two of you having sex.