I can only orgasm when I’m alone

Here’s the second in a three-part guide for women on what happens when you can only orgasm one way. Is it a problem? Can you be taught to climax a different way? All the answers are here. (Part 1: I can only orgasm with my vibrator.)


“I can make myself climax solo in three minutes but I’ve never had an orgasm with a partner. So many men say, ‘Oh, but you’ve never had sex with ME!’, convinced they will be the one to make it happen, but it never does.”

Reason why: If you’ve only ever climaxed alone while masturbating, you’ve taught your brain that orgasm is something that should happen solo. Most women feel self-conscious having an orgasm for the first time with someone new: it’s not easy letting yourself lose control. We worry we’ll look silly or unattractive or make ourselves feel vulnerable.

It can also be because you only orgasm with a vibrator and don’t want to admit this to your partner. Or use a non-partner-friendly technique, like masturbating while lying on your stomach.

The good news

You know how to make yourself orgasm. Now, it’s just a matter of getting your body used to letting go with another person present – and showing and teaching your partner what you need to make you climax.

It’s a problem because…

Some people – men particularly – have a bonkers assumption that they should just ‘know’ what their partner needs to orgasm. If they fail, it means they’re a bad lover. This is why some men get defensive or angry when you do confess whatever it is they’re doing, doesn’t work for you.

Word it this way, however, and problem solved. Instead of saying, ‘Don’t do it that way, do it this way’, say, ‘Do you know, I used to love the way you made me orgasm, but it didn’t feel as good as it used to last time. I’ve always wanted to try this. Can we give it a try?”.


Communication is the key to solving this one: namely letting your partner know exactly what you need to orgasm.

Think about how you feel about sex. Did you grow up in a house where parents told you it was ‘bad’ or ‘dirty’. Have you had any traumatic sexual experiences that have left you feeling anxious and stressed about sex?

Know the facts. Most women don’t orgasm through penetration, so don’t even bother trying that way. Direct stimulation of the tip of the clitoris with his tongue, finger or a vibrator is the most reliable method.

Try mutual masturbation, using your favourite method. Your brain will be happy because you’re using the technique it’s most used to. Having your partner in the room doing the same thing takes the spotlight off you, so you’re more able to relax. It also introduces the concept of ‘company’ to ‘orgasm’ in your brain.

Tell your partner your preferred way to climax. If that’s using a vibrator, let them in on the secret. Hand it over and share an orgasm that way. Or use it on yourself initially and let him watch to see what technique you use.

Give yourself time. Don’t feel you have to rush to climax – or that you must achieve that goal every time. Experiment. Explore. Good sex is about the journey not the destination.

Try different techniques and methods. A lot of the reason women don’t orgasm with their partners is because their partner’s technique is ineffective – or plain useless. Give them guidance, give positive feedback and be specific. If you like using your fingers, put their hand over yours to replicate your technique.