I get asked this a lot – and here’s the answer

I’ve just had sex for the first time with my new boyfriend and he didn’t orgasm.

Should I be insulted that he didn’t come?

Should he be insulted that you didn’t either?

I’m not psychic, it’s just that very, very few women have an orgasm via intercourse the first time they have sex with a new partner. (Lots don’t have an orgasm the other 10,000 times either, but that’s another story.)

I know, I know, it’s much easier for him to climax than you so it’s different.

But the reason behind him not coming is the same reason you didn’t: the pressure is on and you’re both out to impress.

Penises don’t like pressure.

They respond by either refusing to come out to play at all (his worst nightmare), playing for approximately one minute (his second worst) or refusing to stop (yours).

Not being able to climax at all is often the result of him trying desperately to avoid premature ejaculation.

The other common reason is drinking.

I’ll lay bets you were both a bit tiddly when it happened.

As a friend once asked me perplexed, ‘How do people who don’t drink have sex? I’d never make that first move unless I was drunk’.

Alcohol relaxes inhibitions but it desensitizes us, deadening our nerve endings. It also relaxes our muscles – including the pubococcygeus (PC).

Our PC muscle is the one we’d squeeze if we wanted to stop peeing. The same one that you’ve been squeezing rhythmically, diligently doing your daily kegel exercises, so that when this moment did arrive, he’d feel snug as a bug in a rug. (Kegels make your vagina tighter.)

Twenty five gin and tonics each has the effect of relaxing the PC muscle and desensitising to the point where, while it feels great, there’s not enough friction to cause orgasm.

(Don’t get paranoid, just have sex first thing in the morning, squeeze hard, and he’ll be suitably impressed!)

Add to the equation that some men always take ages to orgasm – always have, always will and wouldn’t even get a move on during a supermodel sex sandwich – and you’ll start to see why you shouldn’t be insulted.

Listen, I know why your ego is dented (he’s supposed to be so overcome with lust the first time, it’s a compliment if he premature ejaculates) but it really doesn’t necessarily mean he was disappointed.