My ex made fun of my ‘orgasm face’

Q My previous boyfriend used to constantly make fun of the face I make when I orgasm. It’s made me really self-conscious and I’m now worried it will affect sex with any future boyfriends. How can I get past it?

Our ‘orgasm face’ is something our parents rarely talked (or indeed thought) about, but it’s now a widely accepted term and topic. When you think about it, we’ve been watching people’s ‘orgasm’ faces in the movies for years. The camera invariably homes in at the crucial moment to find a head thrown back in ecstasy, hair artfully arranged, a bead or two of sweat becomingly placed. Porn has orgasm faces aplenty – how real those are is questionable.

I’ve seen lots of real orgasms up close and personal – and not on porn.

I did a TV show called The Sex Inspectors which was shown both here and in the States. I co-hosted it with a fabulous American gay guy called Micheal Alvear. Each week there would be a couple who had a sex problem who’d allow the crew to set up cameras around their house for a month. Then we’d watch video footage of them and analyse what was going wrong in bed and out and help them.

I hasten to add the camera’s in the bedrooms were infra-red – you just saw blobs basically. But some of the brave couples did have sex for the cameras and while we edited out the bits that were too saucy for telly, Micheal and I saw the footage. It was quite confronting! And weird because we’d then meet these people and shake their hands and they’d offer a cup of tea and we’d all be awfully polite but I’d be looking at the sofa and thinking, ‘You had sex on that’!!

Anyway, the point is I saw many REAL orgasm faces and can therefore report back that…

Most people’s facial expression at the point of orgasm isn’t anything like the movies or porn suggest.

It is, I’m afraid, a bit like what most of us fear. Most people look red in the face, sweaty (and not in a good way), our faces contort and scrunch up in an unflattering fashion, mouths often open in a kind of slack mouthed way. And that’s without even talking about the strange noises people make, or things they say in the moment. To be honest, we all should be fairly safe in the assumption that our own orgasm face may not be too pretty. But so what if it’s not?

Sex isn’t about looking pretty. It’s about lust and passion which are raw, primitive emotions.

Quite frankly, if I was sleeping with someone whose face remained terribly composed at the point of climax, I’d be a bit miffed. It’s sexy to look out of control and like you don’t care what you look like!

If someone makes fun of our orgasm face, they’re often secretly envious of our ability to truly let go in the moment.

A great orgasm transports us – we’re not thinking ‘God, I wonder if I look stupid like this’. We’re in the grips of euphoria! Be thankful you’re able to be like this and able to let go. Don’t let one stupid remark by a possibly jealous person ruin this for you. It’s amazing that you can do this.

The majority of people love seeing their partner in the throes of pleasure. Sure, sometimes it’s amusing but everyone’s orgasm face is.

Maybe the teasing is why this guy is a ‘previous boyfriend’.

Perhaps his tactlessness was one reason why it didn’t work out? Or maybe he really was just teasing and you were a little over sensitive? The point is though, who cares what your previous boyfriend thought? It doesn’t matter. It’s your current or future boyfriend whose opinion you care about. In fact, don’t even care about them!!

The moment of orgasm is YOUR moment, it’s purely for you.

Not for anyone else. I hate it in porn when they say, ‘Come for me’. You’re not having an orgasm for your partner, you’re having it for yourself! The fact you’re even having a real orgasm with him will make most men happy enough!!!

When you’re with a new partner, focus on how you’re feeling not how you’re looking.

Later on, when you’re more comfortable, you might tell him that a previous partner made you feel uncomfortable and let him reassure you. The bottom line though: if you DO have a weird orgasm face, join the club. We all do!!!