If there’s one thing that shocked me when researching my latest book, Great Sex Starts at 50, it was the amount of close couples out there who don’t talk about sex.
They’ll discuss virtually everything else – with zero embarrassment or shame – but when it comes to having a good old chat about what’s going on with their sex lives, suddenly there’s radio silence.
“I wouldn’t even know how to start a conversation about sex,” one close friend confessed to me.
Well, you will after reading this.
This is for anyone who could do with some good sex conversation starters.
Before you even open your mouth…
Know what you want to get out of the discussion. Really think things through before you talk. Is this about them avoiding sex? You avoiding sex? The fact you’re not having sex? You want to change the sort of sex you’re having? You want to talk about not having sex anymore? Write what you want in one clear sentence. Check it’s easy to understand. Also check it’s worded sensitively and isn’t attacking or blaming.
Work from the positive. Talk about what you want more of in bed, not less. ‘I would like…’ not ‘It drives me insane when you…’ Say ‘I love it when you touch me on the breasts’, if they completely ignore them every single time, rather than ‘Why don’t you ever touch my breasts?’.
Use body language. Make sure whatever you want or don’t want is backed up by your sexual body language. If you don’t like what they’re doing, move yourself away from the touch. If you do, press your body against them. Moan if it feels great. Stay silent when it doesn’t. Lift their hand away from places you don’t like being touched to places you do.
GOOD THINGS TO SAY
To introduce the topic of sex
I love you and want us to be as happy as possible because we’re in this together forever. Can we have a chat about something? I wanted to talk about…how to make sex better/the fact we haven’t made love in ages because I miss it/how it feels like you’re avoiding sex. Is that something we can talk about now?
You want to try something new
I had a dream last night that we were doing X. (Watch to see what their response is. If they’re interested, they’ll want details and look intrigued.)
One of my friends told me yesterday that she and her partner do X. (If they’re up for it, they’ll say ‘Let’s give it a try!’. If they’re not, it’ll be, ‘I always knew they were perverts!’.)
You aren’t sure if they’re enjoying what you’re doing to them
Do you like it when I do this/do it here/do it harder/do it softer?
Which way do you like it best? Like this or like that?
Can I touch you here?
If you want more of something
I love it when you do that. Can you do it for longer?
Remember when we used to have sex after a boozy Sunday lunch? I used to love that. Let’s do it again.
You want something done differently
I love it when you do that. Do you know what else I love? When you do X. That really feels nice.
I love it when you give me oral sex. But you know what? It takes me much longer now to climax. Do you mind doing it for longer? Sometimes I feel rushed.
You want to use your vibrator while you’re in bed with him
I say him because put two women in bed and vibrators are never going to be a problem. It’s getting better with men – vibes are now so normalised, young guys can’t help but get with the plot – but older men may still feel threatened.
Here’s how to introduce one subtly: Tell him you bought a fun present for the two of you – a bullet vibrator. They’re the size of a tampon and the perfect way to introduce a vibrator to a nervous man.
Use it on him first: buzz around his nipples, try it on his penis, his testicles – keep it light and jokey. Once he’s a bit more relaxed, give it to him and let him play with it on your body. When he uses it on your clitoris, say ‘Ummmm. That feels lovely!’, but then push it away after a few minutes before you climax. (Lots of men – young and old – look like deflated balloons the first time they see how quickly most women orgasm with a vibrator. He slaves for hours to get to the same point.) Keep doing this over a few sessions – letting him use the bullet on you for longer each time – but still don’t make it the star attraction by having an orgasm.
You’ll sense when he starts to relax completely: that’s when you can take it through to the grand finale. It’s easy from there to say, ‘Let’s try another vibrator for a change’ if you prefer something bigger or more powerful.
NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO SAY
I hate it when you do that.
I’m serious, I will divorce you if you don’t stop putting the wet towels on the bed. And, by the way, you’re rubbish in bed as well as shit at keeping the place tidy.
Why don’t we have sex as much as John and Jane?
Why don’t you know what I want?
How many times do I have to tell you I HATE THAT!
My ex used to do it like this. Can you do it that way?
Can you hurry up?
Let’s just get this over with.
You want me to be honest, right? I can’t help it if I don’t like having sex with you.
You don’t turn me on anymore.
What is wrong with you?