Every week on SexTok, my weekly podcast, I set a sex challenge for the week. Here’s a selection organised into a three-month programme.
These are doable, simple tasks that aren’t too out there, designed to get you out of the habit of lazy, uninspired sex.
Give it a try – push yourselves out of your comfort zones! You’ve got nothing to lose but a boring, routine sex life!
No sex in a bedroom for two weeks. You can have sex anywhere you like but it can’t be in a bed. This doesn’t just add variety, it breaks you out of the habit of only thinking about sex when you’re lying in bed naked aka last night at night or first thing in the morning. You’ll not only vary the location, you’ll vary the time you have sex as well.
Masturbate in front of each other. If you’re really shy, close your eyes so you can’t see them watching. This has so many benefits, I don’t know where to start!!! You will learn more about what technique your partner likes doing this, than you will anything. If you’re watching a man do it, by the way, pay attention to where they place their hand at the start and how they’re holding their hand. It makes all the difference. For her, you can put your hand over hers to get a feel of the speed and pressure. If she’s using her vibrator, watch how she holds it near orgasm/does she alter the speed or pressure? This isn’t just a show and tell exercise though, it’s a turn on as well!
Try new positions for oral sex. Drop to your knees and play the submissive rather than just do it sideways on the bed. Or you sit on the side of the bed while he stands in front of you. If you’re using your hands on him, stand behind him and reach around. (Especially sexy if you do it in front of a mirror so he can watch.)
He can put your legs over his shoulders (or you can pull them up to your chest while lying on your back). Try you on all fours while he slides underneath, faces the opposite direction and uses pillows to bring him up to the right height. A great power position: you stand with your legs apart, leaning back against a wall.
Anything but lying sideways on the bed. Please. In fact, can we BAN that position for everyone!!!
Find out your partner’s ‘thing’. All of us have a core erotic theme – something we need to express to be able to fuel or feel desire.
It’s our ‘thing’, something that never fails to get us aroused. That might be having sex in semi-public, wearing heels to bed, watching porn while having sex, enjoying anal, being spanked.
Lots of people guard their ‘thing’ and don’t tell their partner for fear of being judged. The couple who find out and indulge each other’s core erotic theme rate very high on sex satisfaction.
Throw in a quickie every third time you have sex. It breaks you out of the same old tired sex routine and you’re more likely to do it outside the bedroom. Add bonus points if you do it in semi-public.
Buy a new sex toy once a month. They’re such a cheap, zero-effort way to keep sex fresh and zappy. Choose one from a different category each time: a vibrator, glass dildo, ‘stroker’ for him, love egg, vibrating penis ring, bondage toys. Most of you know that I do two product ranges with Lovehoney: Supersex and Edge. All my sex toys are tried and tested, effective, both budget and luxury and (if I say so myself ha) rather cool! You’ll find all my products here.
Sleep naked. Yes, if you have small children that crawl into bed unannounced, you might need to skip this one. But otherwise, ditch ALL your clothes once you’re in bed with each other. This does more than you think for your sex life. First up, you’re vulnerable when you’re naked and that’s a good thing for couples. The feel of the sheets on naked skin makes you feel sensuous and it encourages couples to get into the habit of touching each other’s erogenous zones without it necessarily leading to sex. And, of course, it will lead to you having more sex simply because a naked body reminds us of sex.
Play a sex game. Do a search ‘Sex games to play with partner’ and you’ll see there are loads of them. Strip twister. Sexy Jenga. The board game Monogamy. Position cards where you try a new position every week for a year. The couple that play together, stay together. Play is really important with sex and playing a game where everything is done for you, takes all the pressure off.
Finish every sex session by telling each other three things you liked about it. Not only does this make you both glow in the after glow, it’s a sneaky way to get a few hints across on what you didn’t like! Say your partner was giving you oral sex but seemed to rush it. Say, ‘I loved you giving me oral sex so much I didn’t want it to stop and wanted it to last much longer’.
Have sex at a different time of day. If you always have it at night, do it in the morning. If it’s always in the morning, do it at night. You’ll find you’ll have a different type of sex by changing the time of day and it might just solve differing desire problems. Is it really a case of mismatched libidos or a morning person matched with a night-time one? Try having it midday and mid-morning, mid afternoon. You might surprise yourself!
Say yes to something you normally wouldn’t. Try everything within reason once. Your partner wants you to dress up as a clown and suck their big toe? If that’s what does it for them, why not indulge them just once. So long as no-one is being hurt physically or emotionally against their will, try not to judge? If you don’t fancy it, suggest something else. Usually, it’s a request to simply do something new.
Brush up on your technique. Technique is important – and it becomes more important the longer you’re together. We don’t notice technique at the beginning because it’s all exciting and new but once that wears off, technique is everything. So give lots of feedback. Make sure your partner knows how to touch you the way you like. There are practical guides on my website traceycox.com.
Offer no-effort sex: They don’t have to do anything but lie back and take, take, take. How nice does that sound? Let’s face it, we’re all selfish little buggers on the quiet! Not only will this make you look wonderfully generous sexually, only the most selfish of partners won’t feel obligated to return the favour at a later date.
Mix up the ‘style’ of sex you have. We get stuck on how often and how many orgasms, but it’s the emotion behind sex that resonates the most. Couples who mix it up – who have lusty sex one night, romantic sex another, slow, Sunday morning sex and half drunk Saturday night sex – they’re the ones who report the highest satisfaction level. Think mood rather than position when you’re planning your next sex session.
Start a ‘sex jar’: It’s an old-fashioned idea that still works a treat. Each write down 10 things you’d like to try. Rip into separate points, fold, and put all of them in a jar. Pick out once a week to try. (You can insist on pre-approval if you’re nervous!)
Tell each other three things you’d like more of: Mouths are good for lots of things in bed, but most of all for talking. The trick to communicating well is to talk about what you’d like more of, not less of. You won’t get anywhere by saying “Harold, it drives me nuts when you do that”. But you will if you say “Darling, that feels great. But it would feel even better if you did it for longer/moved a little to the left”.