The 13 things you should never (ever) say in bed

Talking about sex is something every couple should do but there are some things that should never, ever escape your lips – especially during the heat of the moment.

Hands up who’s ever said the wrong thing in bed – or been on the receiving end of any of these sexual clangers?

Oh my God! I’m coming Claude!

Nothing wrong with this if your partner’s name is Claude but if it’s John, it’s not going to go down too well.

Eighty per cent of couples fantasise about someone else when having sex with their partner.

Rather sensibly, most of us don’t feel the need to confess that we’ve mentally transformed our partner into our latest lust crush (like Claes Bang in the recent Dracula production – just a for instance, of course!).

Having a fantasy playing in your head is a normal and quite effective way to perk up sex with someone you’ve slept with many, many times before.

But blurting out the wrong name in the heat of the moment will guarantee a big row rather than a big O.

My ex used to love this

This is one of those ‘I’m amazing in bed’ boasts that never really works.

Who cares what your ex liked?

He or she probably had completely different sexual taste to us.

Even if they didn’t, do we really want the image of you in bed with someone else planted in our heads?

We all like to think that our partner’s were delivered to us in zip-lock plastic bags, untouched by others.

Another pleasant illusion is that they definitely never loved or lusted after anyone as much as they do us.

Positive sexual talk of exes destroys all of this and most of us prefer to stay deluded, thanks very much.

Is it in yet?

A no-no for the glaringly obvious reason of insinuating he’s not very big, those three words decimate a man’s sexual confidence instantly and swiftly.

More than 90 per cent of men worry about their penis size – which is why this tops the list for him.

But there’s an equally as ego-destroying flipside, if he says it to her.

Sure, you haven’t been doing your kegel exercises that regularly but surely he can’t possibly mean…


Some surprises are great (you walk in after a boring Monday to find the place candlelit, a bottle of champagne chilled and glass poured and your partner naked and artfully arranged on the rug).

Others are not (you walk in after a boring Monday to find your partner and his best friend artfully arranged on the rug waiting to indulge that threesome fantasy you once drunkenly confessed to).

‘Mild’ sexy treats (lingerie, a new sex toy, a tie-up game) are usually welcomed but anything else (‘extreme’ sex toys  – use your imagination – and surprise destinations like a lap-dancing club or swingers party) should be discussed and decided on together.

Can you hurry up?

Translation: let’s get this over with.

Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, something you linger over and don’t want to end not something you rush through.

Insulting no matter how you look at it.

You really do need to get back to the gym

Yes people do really say things like this.

Witness this classics that was emailed to me.

“There we were, basking in the afterglow of the best sex we’d had in ages, when my husband said, ‘You know you asked me if you’d put on weight? Well, you have a bit’.

Or this one:  “I was on top of her and she reached up and squeezed my biceps and said, ‘What happened to these?’.

“I don’t mind criticism but does it have to be in the middle of sex?”

Body confidence issues affect both sexes and never are we more vulnerable than naked in bed.

Are they real?

Even if her breasts aren’t moving at all in that very energetic position, now is not the time to ask whether she bought them.

What’s wrong? Don’t you fancy me?

There are a myriad of reasons why men don’t get erections on cue and him not fancying you is one of the least likely.

More likely is he’s drunk, stressed or tired – or fancies you too much and is worried like mad he’s not going to perform well.

Either way, making a big deal of it makes the situation worse.

What, that’s it?

Up there with, ‘Is it in yet?’, you suggesting the sex was over way too quickly is one of his biggest fears.

Even if you think it, don’t speak it.

Besides, even if the entire session lasted under five minutes, him having an orgasm doesn’t mean you have to stop making love.

There’s more than one way to give a woman an orgasm – and intercourse is actually the least effective.

I just need to take this call/answer this text

One in five people say they’ve done this during sex.

But unless someone you know and love is ill, it really is an emergency or you’re waiting for a confirmation call from the lottery, interrupting sex to play on your smart phone effectively says ‘This is far more interesting to me than having sex with you’.

Have you had an orgasm yet?

Nothing, but nothing, can delay her orgasm more than him popping his head up expectantly and asking, “Are you done yet?”

Every time he stops stimulation, she slides back down the arousal scale: so if you really do want her to hurry up, stay put!

Hurrying someone towards orgasm accomplishes completely the opposite psychologically as well.

If you’re worrying your partner is getting bored, you’re hardly in the head space for enjoying what’s happening to you.

Are you sure you had an orgasm?

Aka “Did you just fake it?”

Thing is, some orgasms are obvious, others aren’t.

Even with men – generally easier to spot – they vary. Some involve lots of thrashing about and grinding of teeth, other times there’s a tiny sigh of satisfaction and that’s it.

Was it fake or was it simply a less intense version than normal?

If you’re looking for reassurance that they enjoyed the sex, ask for that instead.

If you genuinely think they faked it, make it clear you don’t expect they will have an orgasm every single time and they won’t feel the need to pretend in future.

You’re perverted!

You don’t have to agree to do everything your partner suggests but do think twice before pronouncing them ‘weird’, ‘kinky’ or suggesting they ‘get help’ .

Remember, what we fancy sexually is simply a matter of individual taste.

We all have different palates – one person prefers savoury, the other sweet.

No-one’s right or wrong.