Anatomically, an orgasm is an orgasm.
All orgasms originate from the same place even if some feel different than others. There is only one physical type of orgasm for both men and women, no matter how much we try to pretend there are more.
Call them anal, oral, G-spot, clitoral, multiple, sequential or whatever the hell you like, but an orgasm is still simply our body releasing blood back into the bloodstream after it’s been pumped to pressure point to an aroused area. Whether you got to that point through oral sex, vaginal sex, anal play, using a vibrator or eating spaghetti hoops while standing on your head, the mechanics are the same.
It’s crucial for you both to understand this if you want more orgasms yourself and for your partner.
But what’s also essential to understand is that while the process might always be the same, the feeling registered in the brain isn’t.
Some orgasms are weak pathetic little pulses, others strong and mighty. What makes the difference? Emotion, erotic desire, experimentation, skill, timing, patience, chemistry, love – as I said, any and all can do it.
Here’s how to make all (well, most) of your orgasms intensely enjoyable.
I WANT ORGASMS THAT ARE…
You’re having a quickie: use lots of lube and hold a vibrator against her clitoris as he penetrates from behind. Egos are less important than orgasms in this scenario.
You’d rather be having sex with someone else: Pretend that you are. Your partner can’t read minds, remember? If you don’t tell them, how are they supposed to know? Quit the guilt trip – almost all men and women admit to fantasizing about someone else while with a (still much-loved) partner. Sex in your head is OK, it’s only bad if it’s in your bed.
You missed out on one during intercourse: Masturbate afterward while they watch. (Take a really long time if they didn’t try hard enough to make you orgasm during it!)
You want to experiment but feel self-conscious: Blindfold your partner – you’ll feel less inhibited if there’s no eye contact and be more inclined to let go and enjoy it. Plus they can’t see the bits where it all goes a bit wonky.
You can’t quite get there: Be super alert for your personal orgasm triggers. The more your brain travels a certain path neurologically, the more effortless it becomes. The more signposts of impending orgasm your brain can recognize, the easier it will trigger the orgasmic response. Focus on what you naturally do on approach to orgasm, then exaggerate it. If that doesn’t work, take the pressure completely off by giving up completely. Better luck next time.
You’re doing it missionary style: The traditional ‘jack hammer’ style of thrusting – a deep, repetitive in-and-out motion – is about as effective at getting her to orgasm as using a bread knife to shave your legs.
Instead, try her grinding against his pelvis and move in circles, rather than up and down. The aim is to keep as much of the base of his penis as possible in contact with the whole of the vulva. Keep thrusting short and shallow rather than deep and fast.
You’re doing it standing up: If you’re standing up having sex at least one of you felt a spontaneous, urgent need. This lends itself nicely to role-playing or talking dirty. If you just went along with it to be nice, be nice about indulging this as well.
You’re doing it doggy style: She can lift her bottom high so he’s hitting the super-sensitive front vaginal wall, he reaches forward to play with her clitoris before he’s even fully penetrated, she reaches behind to play with his testicles. Choose opposite sides to reach from.
He’s on top: Spread her vaginal lips once he’s inside and make sure they’re pressed against him to get maximum friction on the clitoris and the area surrounding the urethra. It’s also packed with nerve endings. Spark memories of the great oral you just had by licking and sucking each other’s tongues.
She’s on top: This is the most likely position to result in orgasms-for-two because she’s in control so can slow things down if he starts to lose it. If you’re trying to come together, he should be alert to a tightening of her vagina. When she’s around a level 8 on a 1-10 pleasure scale, the middle third of her vagina will often grip his penis tighter. The biological purpose is to make him orgasm so he’ll spill his seed but it’s OK to use for less worthy purposes, like an ‘OK, we’re about to lift off’ signal.
Don’t be drunk: It relaxes inhibitions but numbs other parts.
Aim for sequential orgasms rather than simultaneous: You’ll have stronger orgasms if you’re focused on your own pleasure rather than trying to work out where the hell they’re up to on the arousal scale. Coming together is awfully polite but the pay off can be fizzlers as well as failure.
If you’re distracted: Keep your eyes open and watch the action instead of losing yourself in ‘Wonder what Jenny/John really meant when they said that?’. Focus on what you’re feeling not what you’re thinking. Get your partner to stimulate two spots at once. He can insert a well-lubed thumb into her bottom while licking her. She can reciprocate when giving him oral. Choose a new, challenging position for intercourse to force you to concentrate and stay in the moment. Balance or die.
Pee first: Nothing worse than having the whole ‘Is this an orgasm building or do I just want to wee?’ thing happening – especially if you’re trying G-spot stimulation.
Lower your expectations if you’re a man: This is the payoff for women. It’s hard for us to have an orgasm but once we do, it’s easier to have more. Men learn to have multiple orgasms by learning techniques. Women are engineered for them.
Use different stimulation for each orgasm: Alternate oral sex with intercourse with using fingers or sex toys.
Train yourself to expect more through masturbation. Masturbate in your usual way until you’re almost, almost…….then stop. Change to a new position, switch to a different technique (ditch the vibe and use fingers etc) then start again. Again, get almost there then stop. Change position and technique again – and keep doing it till you’ve brought yourself to the brink at least five times. This not only stops your body from expecting exactly the same stimulation to orgasm, it trains it to expect that after one peak of sensation, another is coming.
Other ways to make it happen: Simmer by anticipating what’s in store, way before you touch them. Be in the right head space to keep going. Avoid small, sensitive areas immediately after the first orgasm, the nerve endings are too on edge so instead zoom in on larger hot spots like breasts, bottom cheeks, inner thighs, backs. Kiss with tongues fighting like gladiators. Rub your bodies together during intercourse and maintain full body contact. Pump those pelvic floor muscles. Add erotic edge by pulling her hair, spanking his bottom.