You will never be good at oral sex unless you follow these six rules

Photograph by Dainis Graveris

Giving great oral is part attitude, part technique and a whole lot about enthusiasm.

But most of all it’s about respect and generosity.

You’ll find guides on how to give great oral here but don’t even go there until you’ve taken on board these crucial basics.

It’s a treat not a chore

Behave that way. Treat the whole thing like it’s a huge favour and the experience will be awful no matter how practised your tongue techniques. Giving your partner pleasure should be just as fulfilling for you as it is for them. (Well, nearly.) The best oral sessions are those that are offered enthusiastically, not asked for and delivered begrudgingly.

Ignore most of what you see in porn

It’s totally misleading. For a start, you can’t normally see what’s happening because their face is pressed against you. It feels better like that.

They only pull back in porn so you can see what’s going on. Girls often deep throat guys (an exception not the norm in real life – it’s a head game anyway, all the nerve endings are concentrated around the head of the penis not the base), guys suck hard on clitorises, pulling them out like they’re made of chewing gum. Do that to most women in real life and you’ll never see her genitals up close and personal again. Porn is entertainment not a sex education class. If they showed what the average couple got up to in bed and were perfectly satisfied by, you’d be bored silly. It’s over-exaggerated to keep you interested.

Make sure your bits are lickable

Take regular showers, keep your pubic hair under control (and while we’re on the topic of hair, guys, can you please shave before going down on us? Stubble’s sexy to look at, not so sexy when it’s scraping a layer of skin off our thighs.)

Whether to shave or wax it all off is individual. Some people love the look and it certainly makes everything nice and clean and her clitoris easier to find. Others find it a total turn-off because it makes people look prepubescent or object to having to alter what’s perfectly natural.

I’d suggest you do what makes you happy and then see what your partner has to say about it. There’s always a compromise.

Give each other guidance

I think a good ‘let’s learn about each other’ session works well about the fifth or sixth time you’ve slept together because you’ve got over that initial shyness. Start by talking about what you like, then demonstrate. He can suck her finger to show what he likes, she can lick his palm to do the same. Then try it out on your actual bits.

Do it with the lights on or in daylight – it’s dark down there! Instruct, don’t order and be tactful. ‘That feels great’ or ‘I liked the other way better’ rather than barking out ‘Stop now. I hate it’.

It’s about connection not technique

The best tips in the world won’t guarantee your partner will like them all. Everyone is individual and to be the best they’ve ever had, you’ve got to be constantly on the alert for their reaction to whatever you’re trying. It’s not about getting the technique ‘right’ or showing off, it’s about giving that particular person pleasure.

It’s got to be reciprocal

I’m not saying you both have to do each other in the same session but I am saying it should even up over time. If your partner wants you to do it to them but won’t ever reciprocate, refuse. It’s selfish, unfair and totally unacceptable.

Can’t find her clitoris?

I’ve added this in because it’s something so many people ask me about (and feel embarrassed asking a friend or lover – ‘I should know, right?’).

The short answer is this: if you’re having trouble finding her clitoris, she might not be ready for you to!

It will swell and become obvious once she’s aroused. If it’s still not obvious then, say, ‘Show me where it feels good to you?’ and you won’t feel like an idiot.

Remember, you’re looking at the top end of her vagina (nearest her tummy) for a small ‘marble’ that could be tucked inside a hood of skin. When it’s aroused, the clitoris usually comes out to meet you but if not, try licking the hood itself gently and see if that works. Or put the tip of your tongue on the hood and move it in circles, using it as a ‘buffer’ like you would a foreskin.

If it still doesn’t emerge but she’s pulling you closer, rather than pushing you away, place the heel of the palm of your hand on her pubic mound (the fleshy bit), fingers pointed to her belly, then push up toward her tummy. This stretches her and exposes her clitoris. Gently lick around the sides, make circles around it or lap at the bottom. Don’t lick directly on it and remember: wide tongue, wet, gentle, slow, slow, slow. (And did I mention go slow?)