How to say rude things without laughing

This is the third in a series of posts designed to help you enjoy three of the most challenging sex acts – without feeling embarrassed. Part one talks about role-play, part two tackles stripping. 

This week, it’s all about talking dirty.


Talking dirty is easy in the beginning: you’re so desperate to have sex with each other, whispering ‘I’m desperate for you to put your tongue where I like it’ feels as natural as saying, ‘You look nice’.

It’s later, when you are mates, that it just starts to feel wrong somehow. Incestuous.

You’re not alone – it’s normal to feel more embarrassed talking dirty as time goes on, rather than the reverse. But, like most things in sex, all you need to fix it is to start doing it again.


You secretly think talking dirty is wrong: Parents who taught us sex was ‘bad’, religious beliefs, a past lover who branded you ‘unladylike’ (read slutty) for trying it in the past – all make us nervous about speaking up.

Beat it by telling your partner why it’s hard for you and that you need to take baby steps. Give yourself permission – parents don’t know everything, you can be spiritual and still have great sex. Say naughty things out loud to yourself first: practice in front of a mirror.

You’re scared you’ll laugh: Again, you probably will! Talking dirty is funny. That’s why you have to do it when you’re both turned on, or in the mood to be, because the second you’ve climaxed, whatever you or your partner just said will sound really, really perverted.

Even if it’s in the heat of the moment, you’ll still get the giggles now and then. If that happens, just keep going.

Lust will soon kick in again.

You don’t know what to say: The main thing is to find what feels right for you. Some people love screaming obscenities at the top of their voice and don’t give a damn if the neighbours change queues at the check-out when they see them at the supermarket. Others just don’t like slang and swear words.

It’s OK not to! Whispering ‘I want you. Now’ can be just as erotic as using explicit language (to some, more so!). So don’t try to be something you’re not. On the other hand, if your partner shoots through the roof (perhaps literally) if you use ‘dirty’ words, why not indulge them? They’re just words, after all. Come up with some compromises.

Keep it simple: If you’re shy, whisper in their ear so there’s no eye contact. Or try blindfolding them or letting them blindfold you. Start by describing what they’re doing to you “You’ve got your hands on my breasts.” Add how that makes you feel, “…And it feels wonderful.” Then describe what you’re doing or about to do. “I’m going to take your penis in my mouth…And it makes me feel powerful.” Compliment body parts. Ask “Do you like that?’ or “What does that feel like?”. Let them know where you’re at arousal wise. “God, I’m so close to climaxing.”

If you seriously can’t manage any of the above, read out something sexy from a book while your partner makes love to you!