What to do if she’s not up for it (Part 2)

Sex life been a bit, well, non-existent lately?

This will help if the woman in your life has been less than interested in sex lately.

Give Part 1 a quick read first; here, you’ll find practical tips.


Speak her language

We all have a ‘love language’: how we best like to express our love and like it expressed to us. For some people, it’s touch. For others, it’s words. Or presents. (Pray hers isn’t the latter.)

Work out what means love for her, then deliver it. Relationships survive when each person figures out the other’s love language and speaks it, even if it’s not their own. If hers is words, tell her you love her more often. If yours is touch, ask her to touch you more.

Notice her

Notice other men noticing her (‘That guy totally checked you out then!’). Especially if you’ve been together a while and/or have kids. It’s easy to lose confidence in how attractive you are once you’re off the market. Letting her know you realise it’s not just you who finds her attractive, will give her a huge boost in body confidence – which nearly always translates to higher libido.

Stop hassling her

Nothing, but nothing, kills her sex drive more effectively than you turning every innocent air-kiss into a tonsil-tussle, every affectionate hug into an octopus-like lunge for her breasts, hands sliding up her jumper from all directions. I know you’re so desperate for sexual contact, you feel you have to grab it while you can. But you’re lessening your chances of getting any by doing this. It’s intensely irritating to be groped and if any and all affection is interpreted by you as ‘Let’s go for it honey!’, she’ll simply stop touching and cuddling you at all.

Separate sex and affection

Tell her from now on, a hug or caress will be just that. No hidden agendas. Then stick to it, even if that erection’s is threatening to burst buttons.

Agree on clear signs for initiating sex. Doing cutsey things with the toothbrushes, put a magnet on the fridge with an agreed on position for ‘approach me today’. You can also agree to just come out and say ‘I really want to have sex with you. What do you think?’. I don’t really care what it is, so long as you both know what it is, so she’s not feeling hassled when you’re not actually hassling her!

Have the dreaded talk (yes, you must)

And don’t be surprised if she thinks you’re the one with the problem. The person who wants sex the most always thinks it’s the other person’s problem for not wanting sex as much as they do. But surprise, surprise – she may think it’s your fault, not hers. She’s not undersexed, you’re oversexed! Are you? Check with some trusted mates to see if your demands are outrageous or have a look online. If you think you are being reasonable, let her know sex for you isn’t just about the physical release, it’s a way of getting close to her. Pitch it as you craving intimacy as well as pleasure – it’s generally true in most men’s case. Also let her know she can be honest about what she wants from sex too. Does she enjoy having sex with you when you have it? Brace yourself boys: the answer might not be what you want to hear. If she’s not happy, ask her to show and tell you what she does enjoy.

Support anything she wants to try to fix the problem

Her best friend swears peppermint tea helped to boost her sex drive? Even if you think it’s a bonkers idea (and yes it is), go along with it. Who knows? It might work. If it doesn’t and you’ve been supportive, she’ll ask you to help her. Then you can suggest your far superior plan. Be patient. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s not working if you’re not shagging like teenagers within a week. Notice every tiny step she makes and let her know you appreciate it, boosting her confidence along the way.

Get her to agree to have sex when she’s remotely in the mood – on the proviso that she can say no at any point. Lots of people – particularly women – don’t get turned on until they start getting stimulated. On that note, both have realistic expectations about sex: it doesn’t (and isn’t) endlessly mind-blowing. ‘Good enough’ sex, is good enough.

Make sure your technique suits her

The above technique only works if you’re good at stimulating her. You’ll find some new oral techniques to try here and some new hand-job techniques here

Try them out on her and ask for feedback. Make it clear you want honest answers.

It’s a lot easier for her to be honest about some new moves than it is to confess the technique you’ve been using for years does nothing for her.

Get medical help if you need it. If she’s perimenopausal, constantly hormonal, suffering from desire dysfunction or sex is painful, get her to make an appointment with her doctor, gynaecologist or a sex therapist.

Next week, find out what to do if he’s not up for it!

You may also like

how to have lust that lasts part 1

what men need to know about sex to give her what she wants

Tracey Cox Sex Toys and Advice