Mismatched libidos, recurring arguments that make you feel like you’re on a hamster wheel of unhappiness, feeling like you’re always the one to initiate sex…these are common problems that the average couple struggle with.
Happily, there are simple but effective techniques that can sort these issues – for good.
All these techniques are therapist approved and all can be used to solve a multitude of problems. All you need is your phone, some fridge magnets – and maybe a jam jar.
Yes really.
It’s common to think of low sex drive people as the ones with the ‘problem’. But if your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you and you’re desperate for it, the problem is very much shared.
Being rejected is never fun but being sexually rejected feels personal.
Because sex to high desire people is an extraordinary experience, you don’t quite believe anyone wouldn’t want to do it.
Not able to understand the reason why sex wouldn’t be top of your partner’s Thing I’d Most Like to Do Today (Now/This Second), lots secretly believe their partner does want sex – just not with them.
Which makes you feel unattractive, undesirable and not wanted when your partner says no.
My first piece of advice to lusty lovers is always this: don’t take rejection personally.
If your partner’s libido is naturally low, it doesn’t mean they don’t find you attractive, it’s that they don’t find sex that attractive.
In an ideal world, all high sex drive people would go out with high sex drive people and all low desire people would do likewise.
Our sex lives would be a lot simpler if we did – and so would our relationships.
Studies suggest one in three marriages in Britain and the US struggle with problems associated with mismatched desire – I’d put that figure a lot higher.
Why then, do we insist on matching up with people who don’t feel about sex the same way we do?
One reason is relationships and love aren’t based entirely on sex. We fall in love and decide to settle down for lots of reasons, not just sexual compatibility.
The other reason is it’s really hard to tell in the beginning what sort of sex drive your partner has.
How long is long enough for satisfying sex is a question that’s impossible to answer.
If you’re about to bed someone you’ve been dreaming about for years, it’s probably going to last about three minutes.
A few months into a relationship – when you’re both still in that can’t-get-enough period but have relaxed into it – you can be at it for hours at a time.
The average long-term couple become super-efficient: each of you knows which buttons to push, when, where and how with sex typically lasting anywhere from five minutes to 20.
Some couples love quickies, others long, languorous sex sessions.
The first is easily accomplished (especially for him), the second not so easy (again, for him).
Most men get aroused more easily and orgasm faster than most women – which is why slow sex is often better sex for women. (This blog is aimed at straight couples for this reason.)
Here’s how to stretch your next session to even the orgasm scales.