Whether you loved or hated Fifty Shades of Grey, I’m betting you both came home from the movies with a dangerous glint in your eye! Lots of couples world-wide have been tempted to try out some of the scenes - and with tie-up games first on the list, it makes it the perfect time to talk you through the basics of bondage!
What is it?
Put simply, bondage is about two things: restricting someone’s movement and having or relinquishing power. Add a ‘pain’ element like spanking, and it turns into B&D.
Why would you want to do it?
Being tied up means you can lie back and relax and enjoy someone giving you pleasure, without feeling like you have to reciprocate. If you’re the one in control, you’re ‘forced’ to be dominant and bossy and basically act out all the things you’ve secretly longed to do (like the master/save, teacher/pupil fantasy). Because it’s all about one person having power and the other having their wicked way, it lends itself beautifully to role play.
There are as many affair myths floating about as there are myths about female orgasm (like the one that says we all orgasm during intercourse and at the same time he does!). A lot are equally as ridiculous, so let’s sort the truth from the lies.
The ‘I was drunk and it just happened’ excuse:
Bollocks! I’ve got lots of friends in long-term relationships and we’re all rather fond of a glass of wine (bottomless, that is). I’ve seen many of them sloshed, solo and surrounded by a plethora of available, tempting people but - miraculously - having a one-night-stand doesn’t ‘just happen’ to them. Or me. Funny that.
Alcohol does indeed loosen inhibitions and cause us to make a poor judgement call. But since most of us have figured out, by age 15, that’s what alcohol does, most decide it’s logical to stop drinking, once they feel themselves cross the line between merry and legless. Particularly if the hot little piece in the corner is inching closer on the bar stool. Come on! At some point, they went to the loo, looked in the mirror and thought ‘This is getting dangerous’. But instead of heading home, headed straight for the bar and got another drink. Hmmm.
It’s (almost) as frustrating for you as it is her: you can see she’s on the brink of having an orgasm but can’t seem to tip over the edge. Give her the incentive she needs to get there, by choosing one of the following tried-and-trusted techniques:
Add a Finger
Adding a finger - yours or theirs - to stimulate the clitoris during intercourse is sometimes nicknamed the ‘bridge’ technique because it effectively provides a ‘bridge’ between his orgasm and hers. Use lots of lubricant and choose positions which allow one (or both of you) to use your fingers without getting cramps. Try woman on top (lean forward and lift up a little for easier access for him; or lean back and do-it-yourself); rear entry allows even easier access, as do face-to-face positions while sitting or kneeling.
Want to buy her something titillating this Valentine’s but worried about crossing the line from tantalising to tasteless? Never fear! Simply identify her personality type, then choose from these classic picks from my ranges. I promise - not a pair of red, crotchless knickers in sight!
Before I even start, here’s a HUGE warning: Do NOT even consider buying ONLY sexy presents for her this Valentine’s Day. To her, you might as well write ‘I only want you for sex’ in black felt pen on your forehead. By all means, splash out on erotic pressies but make sure you team it with traditional ‘love’ presents like flowers, perfume, books, chocolates - and a card that got nice things written from you (rather than doing that ‘the card says it all’ cop out!).
If you’re in the slightest bit nervous about the ‘saucy’ suggestions, play it safe by sticking to the ‘safe’ versions listed - then enjoy the day and each other!
Valentine's Day is looming and you still haven’t a clue of what to get him? Take inspiration from these personality-packaged ideas from my ranges.
The trick to buying brilliant presents is to match the gift to the personality. Presenting your shy, conservative husband with a ‘Master’s Dungeon Play Kit’ is more likely to inspire fear than excitement! Giving your Type E (for extreme) boyfriend cutsey socks when he’s just come back from a sky-diving lesson will be equally disastrous.
It’s all about making the right judgement call - and never is this more the case than when giving your partner a sexy gift. Men are generally less uptight about sex toys than women are BUT I’d strongly suggest you present any sex-related present in a light-hearted fashion with a ‘Thought we’d get a buzz/a giggle out of this’ message.
This reinforces that it’s given in the spirit of fun rather than fixing any sex problems he has. Save anything that’s aimed to make him last longer or feel harder for the truly sexually secure and even then enclose a tactfully worded card that says ‘I love you inside me so much, I’m going to be greedy and ask for even more!’. Happy Valentines!
Last week’s blog focused on lovers who are lopsided, in that he’s too big, she’s too small. This week I’m going to talk about the opposite scenario: what do you do if he’s on the small side and she’s on the big side (possibly after having children - though it can just be genetic).
It’s a slightly more embarrassing problem to admit to than the former, but happily quite easily fixed with some artful arranging of pillows, positioning and (I can hear you groan from here) exercises.
SMALL PENIS/LARGE VAGINA:
- Do kegel exercises. Give yourself an internal workout by squeezing and holding your PC muscle for the count of 3, at least 20 times a day. Work up to three sets a day and you should notice a big difference in about three weeks.
- Have lots of non-penetrative orgasms first. Don’t make intercourse the main event.
We all worry too much about the size of our genitals. About 85% of men think penis size is important to women, most women think men crave someone with the vaginal muscles of a Thai sex worker. In reality, there’s really only one instance when a small penis or large vagina cause problems: when the owner is so paranoid and insecure about it, they’re constantly apologising, seeking reassurance and inhibited in bed as a result. Now, that really is boring!
By all means try to even things up using the right position and other tricks or tips listed here, but then please relax and enjoy! This week I’m talking about men who are generously endowed with women who are quite tight. Yes, it’s the problem both sexes sort of wish they had but in reality causes lots of problems. Be careful what you wish for!
Next week: I’ll be focusing on the opposite: he’s small, she’s larger.
Q: Why Don't Women Suggest Kinky Things? Why Is It Mostly Left Up to Men?
A: I get asked this question all the time - and it sort of pisses me off that it’s assumed it’s because women aren’t into kinky stuff. That’s sooooooooo not the case! One reason is because when we do, some men judge us! Despite so called sexual equality, there’s still a huge chasm between what men are supposed to do/like/get up to and what women are supposed to enjoy.
Evidence: I’m talking with a friend of mine, who enthusiastically agrees when I asked him if it’s finally OK for women to sleep with as many people as men do. ‘Of course!”, he says, looking at me like I’ve just asked if it’s OK to smoke in a Cigar Bar. ‘Absolutely! No question!”. ‘So, if Ellen confessed she’d slept with 40 men - which is about how many women you’ve slept with - you wouldn’t mind at all.” He drops his eyes. ‘Well, no, that’s different. She’s my girlfriend’, he mumbles.
Anal beads look like something your three-year-old would play with but they're becoming very popular with couples looking for something other than your standard sex toy.
There's still a bit confusion though, about when and how to use them so I thought a bit of explanation would be a good idea. The good thing about using beads: they feel good on the way in and on the way out.
But - as with anything that's being inserted into the rectum - you do need to approach things carefully and gently. The rectum tears easily and isn't self-lubricating, so the first thing to do is to make sure you have some good quality lube. Anal lube is a better choice simply because it's heavy duty and stays slippery for longer. Make sure there's lots on both the opening of the anus (use the tip of your finger to put some inside as well) and on the beads as well.
There are several kinds of anal beads. Some are plastic and joined by a nylon chord. Others are silicone and connect without a string. Buy the best quality you can afford when it comes to beads (which basically means go for the silicone ones if you can!). You don't want any rough edges (if you find any, file them smooth using an emery board) and nylon chords are hard to keep clean (and you will want to keep these scrupulously clean!).
Wait until you're both aroused, add lots of lube, then slowly insert the beads, one by one, into the anus, stopping to allow the body to get used to the feeling before pushing them in further. They may feel uncomfortable initially but should never feel painful. You can insert them, leave them in place and continue having sex (intercourse, oral sex or using fingers or a vibe on other areas), pulling them out just before orgasm just once in the session. Or you can insert and pull them out several times in succession, making them the beads the main event.