Think of your sex life as a bank account. Keep it topped up at a healthy level. If you had sex twice last week, it's OK to say no because you're knackered the week after. Not so good, if you haven't had sex for three months.
- Don't say no, say when: If you don't feel like it now, when will you? Honour any promises you make.
- Go for a low-effort option: If he's really up for it and you're not, get him to masturbate while you watch, lying beside him in bed. Or what about giving him oral sex instead, if he orgasms quickly that way?
It's both a curse and a blessing being female: it's harder for us to orgasm than it is for men, but it's easier to have more than one. Want to up your orgasm quota? The more different ways you can orgasm, the more orgasms you'll have.
This technique helps retrain your body to respond to a wider range of sexual stimulation:
- Masturbate in your usual way until you're almost, almost there... then stop. Change to a new position, switch to a different technique (if you normally use your fingers, try a vibrator and if you use pressure, try your fingers, etc) then start again. Again, get almost all the way there then stop. Change position and technique again - and keep doing it till you've brought yourself to the brink at least five times. This not only stops your body from expecting exactly the same stimulation to orgasm; it trains it to expect that after one peak of sensation, another is coming.
Q:I really want to try using a strap-on dildo on my boyfriend so he can experience how it feels on my end. I also quite fancy using a butt plug on him during sex.
He's not keen and can't figure out what (if any) satisfaction he'd get from it, other than the obvious fact that he would be pleasing me. He says the thought of something going in his rear end disturbs him.
A: He won't be the first guy to be perturbed at the thought of you wanting to go 'there'. But there are reasons why he should at least give it a go. The male G-spot - the prostate gland - is inside his rectum and once he gets used to it being stimulated, it can deliver explosive orgasms like nothing he's ever experienced.
Q: I have never had an orgasm. I've had a few partners over the years and but none of them ever really cared about making me feel good. My current partner of one year does and we've tried lots of toys, orgasm gels, balms, creams, different condoms, positions, roleplay - all sorts. But still nothing. Am I missing something? Is there some magical solution to help me let go and finally climax? I feel like I'm broken or there's something wrong with me.
A: You need to go back to basics and go solo. The thing about female orgasm is that, because it’s complicated and not automatic, most women discover how to do it by themselves.
The first orgasm for most women is usually had by experimenting with a good quality vibrator (one that has both slow and gentle/fast and firm settings) in the privacy of their bedroom.
Sexting is the perfect way to keep things hot when you're apart or to keep both of you on a sexual 'simmer' any time at all. You can access texts or photos whenever you feel like it and (ignore the myths!) both men and woman are visual and like looking at sexy things.
But - and it's a big one - how do you stop your partner from showing their friends, or doing something even more ominous with them if the two of you split up?
Here are some good guidelines:
How to sext someone:
- Hold off on initiating sexting until the relationship is a little more established and you've sussed out how adventurous they are sexually, especially if you're a girl texting a guy. Some guys love it, others will be shocked and you'll be instantly crossed off the potential long-term girlfriend list. Course, if you don't want to be a long-term girlfriend, text away!
- It's easy to initiate a sext to someone you are having sex with, simply send a text saying "I keep thinking about us last night. It was so hot! I have an image of you that refuses to go away and it's making me feel so horny."
- Make sure it's something they have to respond to. The obvious answer to the above text is "What am I doing in the image?" And off you go.
- Even if you haven't had sex yet, you can still use the same approach: "I loved kissing you last night. You're such a good kisser! I can't wait to feel your mouth on other parts..."
- You don't have to use swear words to sound sexy. Though if you're quite nicely spoken, throwing in the odd "I want to f***k you" with certainly get them going!
- If you get caught out, claim a friend stole your phone and did it for a laugh. Or have a second phone with a secret number that can't be traced back to you.
Q: I'm nervous about sleeping with a girl I've been dating and have had problems with premature ejaculation in the past. Should I warn her or is it better to keep quiet?
She's really easy to talk to and I'm wondering if confessing would help me be less anxious. I don't want to embarrass myself the first time we do it.
A: Talking nearly always helps solve any problem but it's especially useful in this scenario. (Well done for choosing a girl who is easy to talk to and you clearly feel comfortable with, by the way. This won't just help with PE but make solving any problem easier!)
Men with PE often put having sex off for much longer than other guys, making her question if you fancy her at all. Not pouncing on her at the first opportunity is also the main culprit for those paranoid 'Maybe he's secretly gay' questions as she struggles to understand why you haven't made a move.
Q: My husband wants me to use a vibrator on myself in front of him. I don't mind him using it on me but it's still not the same or as good as using it solo.
He says he wants to watch me play with myself with it but I think I'd be too self-conscious.
A: Some women are totally comfortable using their trusty vibe with their partners watching, some aren't. It's just a 'thing' we women have.
We're so used to having to hide it away for fear men will be threatened by them, it's weird having to pull it out of the drawer and show what we get up to when he's not around!
Then there's the fact that most women orgasm within minutes with their vibrator and take - ahem - slightly longer with their partners.
All this is probably going through your mind. But there are ways to progress from him using it on you to doing it yourself that are quite easy and embarrassment free.
You meet someone, have a brilliant time, fancy the pants off them and can't wait to get to bed... Where you are bitterly disappointed. What should you do? Stay and hope for the best? Or move on before you get too attached?
Some scenarios are fixable. Technique can be taught if you're willing to school a new lover in what you like, where and when.
Ignorance about sex in general and a lack of understanding of how your sexual systems work is solved by buying them some good sex books as a present.
Harder but also possible to change are things like reshaping someone's attitude to sex. If they've been brought up to believe sex is 'bad' or 'dirty', they may need counseling to reshape deeply ingrained beliefs - but it can still be done.
Genital massage has been around for thousands of years, but has only recently been discovered by western society - and westernised, of course! The true, unadulterated version draws heavily on the Kama Sutra and is preceded by all sorts of bizarre, complicated rituals. But for our purposes, we'll skip straight to the nitty-gritty. These techniques are easy to learn and can transform the most mediocre lover into a wow-honey-that-was-incredible sort overnight!
Most of these techniques work best if she's lying on her back with her legs apart and you're kneeling between them. Put pillows under her knees and let her legs fall open naturally. You must use good quality lube for all of these techniques! Warm the lubricant by rubbing it between your fingers. Ask her to tell you which strokes feel best: firm or gentle (err on the side of gentle if you're unsure). She'll push against your hand if she wants more pressure. Keep the rhythm regular and don't chop and change techniques too much. Watch her face - if it's relaxed, so is her body.
When researchers asked a group of college kids which they'd pick if forced to live without either intercourse or oral sex, both sexes gave penetration the heave-ho. I'm with them! As much as a hard, throbbing erection is desperately appealing, a soft, warm tongue is damn near irresistible.
So, with no further ado, here's a lick-by-lick guide to blowing his mind!
Get into position:
He stands and you sit facing him on the side of the bed (or a piece of furniture of the appropriate height). It's more comfortable for both of you and it leaves your hands free to stimulate his penis, nipples, testicles, perineum etc, without getting cramp.
It also gives you control over how deeply he thrusts into your mouth. Some men say their legs go wobbly during orgasm but most can survive if they collapse on the bed immediately afterward!