• Ask Tracey Cox a sex or relationship question

    Tracey Cox Supersex Pleasure Wand Vibrator

    Q: I have never had an orgasm. I've had a few partners over the years and but none of them ever really cared about making me feel good. My current partner of one year does and we've tried lots of toys, orgasm gels, balms, creams, different condoms, positions, roleplay - all sorts. But still nothing. Am I missing something? Is there some magical solution to help me let go and finally climax? I feel like I'm broken or there's something wrong with me.

    A: You need to go back to basics and go solo. The thing about female orgasm is that, because it’s complicated and not automatic, most women discover how to do it by themselves.

    The first orgasm for most women is usually had by experimenting with a good quality vibrator (one that has both slow and gentle/fast and firm settings) in the privacy of their bedroom.

    Dare: What Happens When Fantasies Come True by Tracey Cox

    Sexting is the perfect way to keep things hot when you're apart or to keep both of you on a sexual 'simmer' any time at all. You can access texts or photos whenever you feel like it and (ignore the myths!) both men and woman are visual and like looking at sexy things.

    But - and it's a big one - how do you stop your partner from showing their friends, or doing something even more ominous with them if the two of you split up?

    Here are some good guidelines:

    How to sext someone:

    - Hold off on initiating sexting until the relationship is a little more established and you've sussed out how adventurous they are sexually, especially if you're a girl texting a guy. Some guys love it, others will be shocked and you'll be instantly crossed off the potential long-term girlfriend list. Course, if you don't want to be a long-term girlfriend, text away!

    - It's easy to initiate a sext to someone you are having sex with, simply send a text saying "I keep thinking about us last night. It was so hot! I have an image of you that refuses to go away and it's making me feel so horny."

    - Make sure it's something they have to respond to. The obvious answer to the above text is "What am I doing in the image?" And off you go.

    - Even if you haven't had sex yet, you can still use the same approach: "I loved kissing you last night. You're such a good kisser! I can't wait to feel your mouth on other parts..."

    - You don't have to use swear words to sound sexy. Though if you're quite nicely spoken, throwing in the odd "I want to f***k you" with certainly get them going!

    - If you get caught out, claim a friend stole your phone and did it for a laugh. Or have a second phone with a secret number that can't be traced back to you.

    tracey-cox-edge-sleeve

    Q: I'm nervous about sleeping with a girl I've been dating and have had problems with premature ejaculation in the past. Should I warn her or is it better to keep quiet?

    She's really easy to talk to and I'm wondering if confessing would help me be less anxious. I don't want to embarrass myself the first time we do it.

    A: Talking nearly always helps solve any problem but it's especially useful in this scenario. (Well done for choosing a girl who is easy to talk to and you clearly feel comfortable with, by the way. This won't just help with PE but make solving any problem easier!)

    Men with PE often put having sex off for much longer than other guys, making her question if you fancy her at all. Not pouncing on her at the first opportunity is also the main culprit for those paranoid 'Maybe he's secretly gay' questions as she struggles to understand why you haven't made a move.

    Tracey Cox Supersex Pleasure Wand Vibrator

    Q: My husband wants me to use a vibrator on myself in front of him. I don't mind him using it on me but it's still not the same or as good as using it solo.

    He says he wants to watch me play with myself with it but I think I'd be too self-conscious.

    A: Some women are totally comfortable using their trusty vibe with their partners watching, some aren't. It's just a 'thing' we women have.

    We're so used to having to hide it away for fear men will be threatened by them, it's weird having to pull it out of the drawer and show what we get up to when he's not around!

    Then there's the fact that most women orgasm within minutes with their vibrator and take - ahem - slightly longer with their partners.

    All this is probably going through your mind. But there are ways to progress from him using it on you to doing it yourself that are quite easy and embarrassment free.

    Supersex Remote Control Vibrator Love Egg by Tracey Cox

    You meet someone, have a brilliant time, fancy the pants off them and can't wait to get to bed... Where you are bitterly disappointed. What should you do? Stay and hope for the best? Or move on before you get too attached?

    Some scenarios are fixable. Technique can be taught if you're willing to school a new lover in what you like, where and when.

    Ignorance about sex in general and a lack of understanding of how your sexual systems work is solved by buying them some good sex books as a present.

    Harder but also possible to change are things like reshaping someone's attitude to sex. If they've been brought up to believe sex is 'bad' or 'dirty', they may need counseling to reshape deeply ingrained beliefs - but it can still be done.

    waterbased lube by tracey cox

    Genital massage has been around for thousands of years, but has only recently been discovered by western society - and westernised, of course! The true, unadulterated version draws heavily on the Kama Sutra and is preceded by all sorts of bizarre, complicated rituals. But for our purposes, we'll skip straight to the nitty-gritty. These techniques are easy to learn and can transform the most mediocre lover into a wow-honey-that-was-incredible sort overnight!

    Most of these techniques work best if she's lying on her back with her legs apart and you're kneeling between them. Put pillows under her knees and let her legs fall open naturally. You must use good quality lube for all of these techniques! Warm the lubricant by rubbing it between your fingers. Ask her to tell you which strokes feel best: firm or gentle (err on the side of gentle if you're unsure). She'll push against your hand if she wants more pressure. Keep the rhythm regular and don't chop and change techniques too much. Watch her face - if it's relaxed, so is her body.

    tracey-cox-edge-sleeve

    When researchers asked a group of college kids which they'd pick if forced to live without either intercourse or oral sex, both sexes gave penetration the heave-ho. I'm with them! As much as a hard, throbbing erection is desperately appealing, a soft, warm tongue is damn near irresistible.

    So, with no further ado, here's a lick-by-lick guide to blowing his mind!

    Get into position:

    He stands and you sit facing him on the side of the bed (or a piece of furniture of the appropriate height). It's more comfortable for both of you and it leaves your hands free to stimulate his penis, nipples, testicles, perineum etc, without getting cramp.

    It also gives you control over how deeply he thrusts into your mouth. Some men say their legs go wobbly during orgasm but most can survive if they collapse on the bed immediately afterward!

    Tracey Cox Supersex Pleasure Wand Vibrator

    Q: My husband wants me to use a vibrator on myself in front of him. I don't mind him using it on me but it's still not the same or as good as using it solo.

    He says he wants to watch me play with myself with it but I think I'd be too self-conscious.

    A: Some women are totally comfortable using their trusty vibe with their partners watching, some aren't. It's just a 'thing' we women have.

    We're so used to having to hide it away for fear men will be threatened by them, it's weird having to pull it out of the drawer and show what we get up to when he's not around!

    Then there's the fact that most women orgasm within minutes with their vibrator and take - ahem - slightly longer with their partners.

    tracey-cox-edge-sleeve

    Q: I'm a 26-year-old man and a virgin. The reason I haven't had sex is that I'm worried I won't last long enough to please a woman.

    When I masturbate to pornography, I can orgasm in under a minute. Without it, I only last about 5 - 10 minutes. This clearly isn't long enough to satisfy a woman.

    A: You've fallen for so many myths about sex, I don't know which one to reassure you about first!

    Let's start with the one about how long intercourse usually lasts with a partner. Depending on which study you want to believe, it's between 5 and 13 minutes – and judging by the letters I receive, I'd say 5 is more accurate.

    If you can last that long masturbating yourself, bearing in mind no-one's going to know what you like more than you do yourself, you have nothing to worry about. Ejaculating quickly while watching porn is also extremely common. It stems from training your penis to get it over with quickly, for fear of getting caught.

    tracey-edge-blazer

    Q: I'm nervous about sleeping with a girl I've been dating as I've suffered from premature ejaculation in the past.

    Should I warn her or is it better to keep quiet? She's really easy to talk to and I'm wondering if confessing would help me be less anxious. I don't want to embarrass myself the first time we do it.

    A: Talking nearly always helps solve any problem but it's especially useful in this scenario. (Well done for choosing a girl who is easy to talk to and you clearly feel comfortable with, by the way. This won't just help with PE but make solving any problem easier!)

    Men with PE often put having sex off for much longer than other guys, making her question if you fancy her at all. Not pouncing on her at the first opportunity is also the main culprit for those paranoid 'Maybe he's secretly gay' questions as she struggles to understand why you haven't made a move.

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